Pondering My Insignificant Future

It is one of my greatest fear to waste my life on chasing (excessive) wealth.

There are many options to choose, one is racing to climb the bureaucracy ladder as fast and as high as possible. Nay, NOT me! I shall treat this job in ministry of finance as a mere dayjob to feed myself. I’ll try to tread lightly just to survive the job; play safe and slow, I’ll not aim or compete for promotion beyond the minimum-effort-path. Of course I’ll still try to take whatever challenges and chances that will be available in front of me, but I will hold myself not to seek it beyond the necessary.

In my plan, while I can stay alive with that dayjob, I shall dedicate the rest of myself in the path of creation (at minimum: story, music, and painting). This is a desperate path of ignorant revolt, of trying to carve my very being into this world; for I know that whatever outputs or deeds in my wake will be probably worthless to the absolute mesh of reality. This is not an easy path, for I know I’ll be very sick of myself in my whole life, constantly trapped in the curse of self loathing, with my every tiny bit of failure and disappointment and various moment of regret of not taking any alternative path.

It is an unfortunate thing for me and any speculative soul whom I’ll fancy to the point of desire for romance, because I’m not a nice and generous creature that would be willing to provide and to shelter, I’ll not hoard money to build a house and/or buy a car like what most common homo sapiens sapiens have in their mind. Why not? Because to purchase, maintain, and think about these silly things is very very distracting. I have already too much distractions in life. So, I think I’ll be just stuck with my own selfish self.

For now, I know that I’m far lacking in quantity and quality regarding my creation preferences to be even at least reach the level of mediocre and public acceptance. I know. Really. It hurts. This, I suspect, could be attributed to my lazy habbits of “doing” and even “thinking”. Huh, do you think I think too much? Maybe, but most of them are mere lazy thoughts, not difficult brain wrenching thoughts. This slothness plagues not just my mind but also my physique.

I’ve read somewhere that being overweight does affect the thinking performance in not so good a way. So, I thought to myself, if, I want to learn and to produce greater level of abstraction, I must first stand on solid concrete which is my health. Therefore, to start this path, I must dedicate myself to reach physical fitness first. I asked myself: If I cannot achieve a shallow goal such as physical fitness, how then, can I push myself to reach high tier of mythical madness? If I fail this first step, maybe, I’m better off dead.


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