The Foolish Dabbler’s Mind

I get it. Now let me try to examine it further; there’s a big chance that either my observations or my conclusions are wrong. So, if you want to help also, that would be great. This is it:

1. The Problem:
There are great dabblers, and there are foolish dabblers. Myself, unfortunately, is included in the foolish kind of dabblers. Some great dabblers are not merely novelty seeking, they actually acquired relatively competent skills. These are the ones we can call “Jack of all trade”; while I’m merely a “JOKE of all trade” that I myself laugh at.

2. The Cause:
It’s been a tiny dull pain at the back of my mind for quite a while. But turned vivid enough this afternoon. I was bored at the office, so I browsed some kind of web developer introduction materials. The site led me to a post [] that illustrated the phase of difficulties in code learning.


Take a look at the chart I stole from the post. See the “hand-holding honeymoon” phase? It’s where the foolish dabblers –including me– give up. Example, I tried to learn X, Y, and Z kinds of stuff; they’re cool and I felt great, because there are many easy beginner resources to consume and to delude myself that I was knowledgeable about it, then, before I even get to the “cliff of confusion” phase, I stopped, only to switch into another beginner’s “hand-holding honeymoon” phase. This leads to a very tiny amount of competence acquisitions, that, of course, would soon dwindle; dried empty before they even turned into any useful or applicable skills. A waste of time and resources. But then, the mind is a selfish lawyer, it would, of course, provide several justifications including:

a. Because time and resources are limited, I need to evaluate first, whether such things I tried to learn is worthy of pursuit or not.
b. I don’t need mastery over these skills. I merely seek transcendental patterns.
c. They’re just for recreation. Never meant to be a precious thing. Only as worth as much as foods or beverages or vacations.
d. Etc, etc, etc, the selfish soft stuff behind the skull just keep on yapping!

To address these perverse justifications, one need to see the fog-covered-truth at what really happened in their own fucking brain. In my case, it was really awful. A shameful attempt at vanity to pretend that I’m a “learner”, that I get kicks from “learning”; while it’s not entirely false, the greater part of it is obviously social signalling. I did not really evaluate the skills I failed into worthy or not worthy, in truth, I’d really love to be good at them, and while I also want to catch any possible transcendental patterns, I also want to master them, hence they’re precious and not only for recreations, yet, despite this, the foolish pleasure at every beginning phase of learning, pushed me to overlook, to abandon them in one fell swoop.

Let’s take a look again at the chart. I suspect, that there are people who can and who cannot sense and prepare when the “cliff of confusion” would begin. I couldn’t, I can’t, hence the overwhelming fear of facing the truth of my incompetence that leads to early resignation.

It’s not that before I read the post I didn’t know that learning is hard. It’s just, uh, I was and still am too good at ignoring the obvious logic of the problem. The post helped it getting more vivid. And I think it still should be more more more vivid, umm, like a thunderous slap at the cheeks of my butt. But, hehe, that wouldn’t work as effective as it should be to a mental flagellant like me.

3. The Conclusion
It’s one thing to state the problem and another thing to solve them. Fuck. I’m not sure what to write. Let’s see, to make things practical and applicable, I tried to “reserve” a year dedicated to one thing. I abandoned an environment to remove potential distractions; I practically put myself into some kind of exile. BUT I FUCKING FAILED. Which is why I prolonged that one year into two. I FAILED AGAIN. I’d love to just conclude that I can’t, but I won’t.

There is a chance (which I hope is not the truth) that I don’t really get kicks from learning. And perhaps, I get kicks not only from every beginner’s thrill but also from the image I constructed from multiple failings, since “failure is the road to success” is a concept that often thrown around.


There are genuine failures from trying the best and there are meaningless failures from early self-sabotages. These meaningless failures are like pretending to quit at the edge of “dessert of despair” phase when you actually quit only when you’re still at the “hand-holding honeymoon” phase. What a dumbfuck coward; keep moving forward to reach the true despair!

Meh, enough of this useless thoughts. I want to get back into playing Darkest Dungeon and watch my heroes suffer from afflictions.


My Dabbling In Triath-alone

Shame is a great burden to shoulder. But do not drop the shame to pretend everything is fine. Even, I suggest to prolong and to enhance the weight (use your imagination! Be creative!). Because, its detrimental effects are actually rare resources we can try to use to our advantage. It may give way for strength and willpower to rise. To shoulder great shame, one must possess the necessary endurance, and this endurance we’d cultivate in mental and physical distractions.

First. I tried to swim, for an obese class one like me(at the time), it was the most comfortable sport. But it is costly so I turned to walk. Then slowly I tried to run. Well, god be damned, even after quite sometime and changed from obese class one to “just” overweight, I’m still struggling to finish even a 5 km run. My self-esteem rise and fall frequently just like my weight. Just not long ago, I lost 6 kg, but then I gained 2 kg. So what, I’ll just shed them again. Sometimes I feel like Sisyphus who’s condemned to push a boulder to the top just to watch it fall again and push it up again forever. But like Camus said, one must imagine Sisyphus happy!


At 20 July 2015, having just arrived the day before from a long trip to my grandmother’s village, I tried to perform a Triathlon Sprint Distance. Triathlon is an endurance sport that possesses death rate almost twice the death rate of marathon (says howstuffwork), awesome right? It consists of –conventionally in this sequence– swimming, biking, and running. It’s not merely dangerous to the health, but also to the wealth, duh, it’s an expensive sport! There are a lot of gears that screams, “Purchase me please!” like: swimsuit/wetsuit/trisuit/cyclingsuit, bike, goggles, bike shorts, running shoes, running belt, tracking device, etc. Whoa. Man. I don’t have enough resources to pay for those. and even the fee to triathlon events is probably too much for me. So, man, what the fuck, I just gotta do this shit my own way: minimum gears and solo (I think it would be cute to call this a triath-alone).
For Sprint Distance, the usual sequence and distance is swim (750 m), bike (20 km), then run (5 km). What I did was in the opposite sequence, run 5 km, bike 20 km, then swim 750 m. The logic behind the usual sequence is to prevent people from drowning out of exhaustion; because well, they actually sprint the race. Me? I didn’t intend to sprint at all, I merely trying to survive the distance and the pain, that’s it. Also, I kinda don’t like the idea of biking and running after being wet with chlorine in a pool; that’s why I rearrange the sequence so the running came first and the swimming came last.

As I said before, finishing a 5 km run is still not an easy thing for me. Especially when I just got home from a long trip; I was trapped inside a car for days, bored and kept shoving any food within arm’s reach into my mouth. That’s why, that morning, after I started my run at 07.00, I only managed to constantly running for (maybe) the first  km, and the rest of the run was filled with a run-walk-run switch; I finished it (5.09 km), in 38 minutes, with average pace of 7.33 min/km. I started and finished it at my home, there I took a piss, and drank a lot. But when I just wanted to grab my bike, I felt a slight cramp at my right thigh. It was not that painful, but the concern of what might follow that hurt so much. I doubted myself, “Stop this, you have two excuses, you just got home from a long trip, and now you got cramp!”. I was discouraged and disheartened, even my parents told me to stop. I took a deep breath, rested on the couch, browsing about cramps in my phone; in wikipedia, it says that one possibility that may cause cramping include low blood salt. I forced myself to stand up and then I ate a spoon of salt. I don’t know whether that really did the cramp justice or it merely served as a placebo treatment; the fact is, I decided to continue.
first tri running

I wasted 20 minutes in the first transition because of that cramps, and I rode my bike really slowly in fear of cramps. But after quite a while, I decided to be faster. At some point I went too fast for my own capacity, my knees felt like they have turned into stone, so I had to slow down to the point of almost standing still again. Overall, it went better than the run, I finished it (20.94 km) in 1 hr 6 min with average speed 18 km/h. I finished it at the Permata Timur pool.

first tri cycling

The pool’s area is 24 m x 12 m. To achieve 750 m, I had to swim the 12 m, 62,5 times. I thought it was going to be easy, but what the hell, I was wrong. After merely swimming for 12 x 4 in freestyle stroke, I was already hurting my arms. I was in despair. The innocence laughter of children playing at the pool suddenly felt like merciless mockery directed at me. I closed my eyes, rested myself for a while; brooding. Then I proceeded the swim with body facing the side, both hands stay still close, and I was only using my leg to stroke the water horizontally. With that form, I slowly regained calmness and focus, hence, I was able to use my arms again.  I didn’t have the device to track my swimming directly, so I merely using a stopwatch to count the time and my mind to count the distance. The result: I finished it (12 m x 64 = 768 m) in 51 minutes.

My phone's stopwatch
My phone’s stopwatch
The pool's ticket
The pool’s ticket
It was a bit crowded
It was a bit crowded

I started at 07.00 and ended it at 10.06. Of course the time was embarassingly slow. But I’m also quite proud and pleased. At least now I know I can survive the distance … and, am I allowed to call myself a Triathlete now? :p I wonder, should I try the olympic distance next (when?) or focus to increase my time in this distance?

Live slow!
Die whenever!

Pondering My Insignificant Future

It is one of my greatest fear to waste my life on chasing (excessive) wealth.

There are many options to choose, one is racing to climb the bureaucracy ladder as fast and as high as possible. Nay, NOT me! I shall treat this job in ministry of finance as a mere dayjob to feed myself. I’ll try to tread lightly just to survive the job; play safe and slow, I’ll not aim or compete for promotion beyond the minimum-effort-path. Of course I’ll still try to take whatever challenges and chances that will be available in front of me, but I will hold myself not to seek it beyond the necessary.

In my plan, while I can stay alive with that dayjob, I shall dedicate the rest of myself in the path of creation (at minimum: story, music, and painting). This is a desperate path of ignorant revolt, of trying to carve my very being into this world; for I know that whatever outputs or deeds in my wake will be probably worthless to the absolute mesh of reality. This is not an easy path, for I know I’ll be very sick of myself in my whole life, constantly trapped in the curse of self loathing, with my every tiny bit of failure and disappointment and various moment of regret of not taking any alternative path.

It is an unfortunate thing for me and any speculative soul whom I’ll fancy to the point of desire for romance, because I’m not a nice and generous creature that would be willing to provide and to shelter, I’ll not hoard money to build a house and/or buy a car like what most common homo sapiens sapiens have in their mind. Why not? Because to purchase, maintain, and think about these silly things is very very distracting. I have already too much distractions in life. So, I think I’ll be just stuck with my own selfish self.

For now, I know that I’m far lacking in quantity and quality regarding my creation preferences to be even at least reach the level of mediocre and public acceptance. I know. Really. It hurts. This, I suspect, could be attributed to my lazy habbits of “doing” and even “thinking”. Huh, do you think I think too much? Maybe, but most of them are mere lazy thoughts, not difficult brain wrenching thoughts. This slothness plagues not just my mind but also my physique.

I’ve read somewhere that being overweight does affect the thinking performance in not so good a way. So, I thought to myself, if, I want to learn and to produce greater level of abstraction, I must first stand on solid concrete which is my health. Therefore, to start this path, I must dedicate myself to reach physical fitness first. I asked myself: If I cannot achieve a shallow goal such as physical fitness, how then, can I push myself to reach high tier of mythical madness? If I fail this first step, maybe, I’m better off dead.

Nyaris Nyolong Sepatu Karena Melamun: A Foolish Discourse

Kemarin sore. Seusai menunaikan ibadah shalat ashar. Saya duduk. Di tangga pendek masjid dekat tempat wudhu yang menghadap ke lapangan. Saya meraih kaus kaki sembari memandangi permainan voli sekaligus melamunkan sesuatu juga. Di sudut mata saya, saya menyadari ada seorang bapak-bapak sedang menatap; rasanya ada yang salah. Kemudian, kaus kaki saya pakai. Dan memang ada yang salah. Mengapa warnanya hitam? Lanjut pakai sepatu. Talinya ke mana? Sepatu saya kan ada talinya.


Ternyata, saya lupa kalau tadi pergi ke masjid pakai sandal bukan sepatu. Sepatu saya tinggal di kantor. Setelah tepuk jidat dan menunduk malu. Saya bangkit, memakai sandal, lalu segera pergi.

Ah. Malunya. Nyaris maling sepatu orang.


Bukan itu yang sekadar saya hendak bahas di sini. Melainkan lamunan yang menyebabkan kejadian konyol tersebut. Aduh. Ini dia:

A Foolish Discourse


It was indeed my folly

To use

Other people as

A simulation fulcrum of the self

As if trying

To poke myself in the eye

With a thorn

But not through my own

Because I knew

This particular person

Would resort

To similar pattern of thoughts

With mine


Faced with such sudden abrasions


It was indeed my folly

To assume too much


Barrage of insecure accussations

In the form

Of arrogant and ignorant preaching

I felt

An enormous shame

When the mirror


Songs of truth

About longing

Was unleashed


It was indeed my folly

To continue

The frantic downhill roll

As my fingers reached out

For roots, trunks, and anything

Yet I refused to hold them cause I kept pushing

Bruises proliferating

As walls being crushed

The frictions ignited a trail of madfire

As my interest in Epicureanism

And Thomas Jefferson


It was indeed a greater folly of me

To persist that all of these was complete follies

Because even in such a foolish discourse

Of pretentious philosophies

I unexpectedly

Rediscovered some portions of myself

Across these incisions of unsolicited advices

It is indeed one of my greatest folly ever

To keep regurgitating nonsense

To cover

To shade

To besmirch

The tiny illumination

From a supposedly forgotten candle

That [NOT] accidentally ignited

By the waltz and salsa of my madfire

Oh God

Will it burn bright to bless me with warmth?

Will it burn as blight and caress me with harm?





Ruminations On Lost Love: A Calamity and A Miracle

Saya sudah merencanakan, dan menulis sebagian tulisan ini dari akhir September. Tadinya saya hendak menulis berbagai “good reason” sebagai alasan untuk menulis ini. Mulai dari sebagai “memberi pigura pada memori” hingga “litmus test sore-loserness-of-my-mental-state”.


In the end, there are always only two shits, the good reason and the real reason. The real reason, the wrenching urgency, for me I realize now, is just simply to unleash these beasts that oppress my mind. Couldn’t let it be, couldn’t let it live any longer, they’ve been taking up so much space in my brain’s Random Access Memory. Haha. Jadi. Silakan membaca. I’ll try not to worry too much about what readers might infer from this piece of shit I’m about to tell. Whatever!

Akhirnya terus tertunda sampai tahun berganti. Nice. What a delay. Tertunda secara sengaja dan tidak sengaja. Menanti diri ini menjadi cukup distant supaya mampu menggambarkan dengan lebih objektif. Susah. Mau ditunggu sampai mampus juga sulit. Dalam rentang waktu sejak awal niat tulisan ini dipikirkan hingga terus tertunda sampai sekarang, terjadi sesuatu dalam diri saya. Dari yang awalnya stabil, perlahan bergerak ke semacam emotional roulette, lalu bergulir menuju stabil lagi. Kalau diilustrasikan dengan kurva, mungkin seperi kurva Law of Diminishing Return. Semoga saja tidak naik turun lagi nanti, jadi seperti kurva sinus dong ya kalau begitu.

Sebelumnya, saya minta maaf kalau-kalau ada yang menyinggung perasaan. Juga mohon maaf kalau misalnya kebelang-belangan bahasa pada tulisan ini mengurangi kenyamanan membaca anda. Kadang, untuk menjaga jarak dengan emosi, menulis dalam bahasa inggris itu cukup membantu lho; sepertinya dulu saya pernah membaca ada riset yang menunjukkan hal ini—respon emosi lebih dekat ke bahasa induk dibanding dengan bahasa lain yang dipelajari setelahnya. Semoga tulisan ini tidak berdampak jelek, semoga cukup jujur dan jelas. Thanks for reading.



This is true. But when the other one is actually braver. I’d be reduced to a scared little cat. Hissing fearfully. Almost crying. Because it’s too good to be true and there’s a big chance I’m just being played at. I tried so not to give in. I really did.

Awalnya saya berusaha mengabaikan,  mendinginkan diri, dan berusaha tidak tertarik. Bahkan sampai dia pernah bertanya kepada saya, apakah saya homosex atau straight, haha. Kemudian karena merasa sangat cocok dan memiliki banyak keselarasan jalan pikir, saya mulai berani lebih menerima interaksi itu. I think it’s fair to say that we respect, admire, and even “fear” each other, in similar ways. Like a truthful mirror that shows not only the nice things, but also the ugly. Momentum penting yang perlu digaris bawahi adalah ketika pada suatu waktu, percakapan “spekulatif” dengan nada bercanda terjadi: ia bertanya, apakah saya mau menjalani pacaran dengannya, yang waktu itu saya jawab entah.

Dikombinasikan dengan berbagai faktor lainnya sesudah percakapan bercanda itu, saya jadi semakin menderita “kegerauan” yakni galau akibat geer. Kegerauan itu pun lama-lama berubah menjadi bola salju raksasa yang terus menggulung menakutkan. Saya orangnya cenderung berpikir berlebihan terlalu jauh, sehingga karena pikiran-pikiran saja saya sampai jatuh sakit waktu itu. Sungguh mengerikan rasanya, diri saya terasa sangat lemah, pusing, panik, dan tak berdaya melawan akumulasi emosi. Sebelumnya tidak pernah saya sama sekali merasakan perasaan sampai sejauh itu, sampai saya sakit! Makanya saya, dengan enggannya, berani untuk menyebut itu sebagai “cinta”.

Ada kutipan yang cukup mengilustrasikan kondisi saya waktu itu: dari Paulo Coelho in The Zahir: A Novel of Obsession:

“Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.”

Karena waktu itu tanggal sudah dekat menjelang Tes Kompetensi Dasar yang harus saya jalani, saya harus segera sembuh. Maka dengan nekat saya coba tuntaskan segala kegerauan dengan mengungkapkannya dalam sebuah surat.

Ada beberapa pihak yang saya konsultasikan terkait keputusan ini. Salah satu yang cukup berperan besar dalam mendorong saya bergerak adalah pesan dari Kimi. She told me:

“You could push her away and continue to wonder… But would that be a decision you might regret sometime later in life? You could see how it goes. Maybe it will turn into a beautiful whirlwind romance, maybe you’ll get to know each other even more and she won’t like you or you won’t like her, maybe you’ll be together forever, maybe you’ll last a few weeks, months, or years.

“Maybe you’ll break her heart, or maybe she’ll break yours. You can’t predict the future because humans are complex and the universe is in chaos. What you can do, however, is make choices and act on them. But that is entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with.”

And I acted on it. I sent it. Bagaimana responnya terhadap surat saya? Menurutnya, surat saya itu adalah surat cinta terbaik yang pernah ia terima; ia bilang saya sinting dan membuatnya sangat terkejut, tapi malam itu ia juga bilang bahwa ia tidak bisa berhenti tersenyum. Sayapun turut berbahagia.


Mungkin saya bisa berhenti sampai di situ saja, toh saya sudah cukup lega mengeluarkan isi kepala, tapi insting purba memaksa saya untuk menulis surat tambahan keesokan harinya, surat untuk memintanya jadian. Voila, 20 Agustus 2014, cinta pertama saya diterima, dan tak lama setelah itu segala psychosomatic ailments saya turut sembuh. Thanks a lot. The whole thing was really a surprise and also a miracle for me. Should I thank my ailments or the test or her?

Bisa dibilang memang keputusan saya waktu itu memintanya jadi pacar adalah keputusan yang tidak rasional (ia sendiri bilang begitu) dan terburu-buru. Reckless. Gegabah. Ya, memang. Tapi saya sudah punya beberapa pertimbangan sendiri yang membuat saya berani nekat.



In the end …


Pertama-tama waktu itu saya mensyukuri keberanian mengambil risiko mengutarakan perasaan. Saya sendiri tidak pernah menyangka mampu melakukan hal seperti itu. Tak perlu disesali. Tak perlu. Waktu itu juga pertama kalinya otak saya benar-benar mampu memikirkan manusia lain bahkan sampai tubuh jatuh sakit. Sebelumnya, kadang saya merasa aneh karena sering malas memikirkan orang lain sama sekali, bahkan kematian-kematian orang yang dikenalpun, bahkan kerabat, bahkan kematian Kakek saya sendiri terasa hanya sebagai statistik, padahal saya cukup dekat dengannya karena pada saat SD dulu pernah beberapa tahun tinggal di rumah Kakek. Dengan pengalaman ini saya bersyukur dapat mengeksplorasi lebih jauh sisi dalam diri saya yang lebih manusiawi dan umum. Teman sempat berkomentar, syukurlah berarti saya masih cukup normal bisa mengalami derita seperti itu hahaha.

Saat menjalani hubungan, saya juga mulai terus menemukan sisi diri saya yang lain lagi. Saya jadi mampu khawatir pada orang lain; meski mengganggu ketentraman batin, otak ini bersikeras, untuk khawatir tentang kuliahnya, tentang kesehatannya, tentang kebahagiaannya. Ugh, it was goddamn weird, I both disliked and liked it at the same time; saya senang karena bisa mampu merasakan keinginan untuk peduli, namun juga lemas karena saya merasa tak punya cukup kuasa untuk memberikan pengaruh yang berarti. So powerless, so weak, couldn’t do anything significant to help her, because I was and am still just a long streak of nothing.

There’s more. At some point, when she was accused of something bad by her parents, I was crying silently. Saya waktu itu masih dalam perjalanan pulang dari sebuah acara makan-makan bersama tante, masih di dalam mobil, tapi saya tidak sanggup menahan tangis, padahal belum tentu dianya sendiri sampai menangis. What The Hell. Entah, mungkin karena saya juga pernah dituduh hal buruk, atau memang sangat cengeng saja sampai menangis begitu, entah. Yang jelas waktu itu tidak saya ceritakan ke dia kalau saya menangis. It might sounded as a lie and a mere exaggeration; but it actually happened, and I was totally perplexed. Weird huh? Well, uh, fyi, I cried watching an episode of Digimon Adventure when Gabumon evolved to Garurumon because Matt was being tortured by Seadramon.

Juga rasa rindu yang mengerikan. Seakan berjalan menanjak mendorong batu-batu raksasa. Seperti kerasukan. Saya kesulitan bernapas. Saya kira dahulu ungkapan-ungkapan “separuh napas” pada lagu-lagu cinta jijay itu hanya hiperbola, tapi ternyata bukan. Namun, karena demi mengalihkan diri dari derita rindu, saya jadi mulai sedikit hobi berolahraga, yah, contohnya saat saya menghabiskan sisa uang lebaran untuk rutin berenang, setelah uang habis lalu bersepeda, dan bahkan setelah sepeda saya rusak waktu itu, saya putuskan untuk memaksa diri untuk menggunakan kaki saja. Bahkan terkadang saat sedang puasa sunahpun, untuk menenangkan diri, pagi dan sorenya saya berjalan kaki masing-masing dua jam. Lalu ketika jadwal mulai sibuk, saya ubah waktu jalan kakinya ke malam hari (meski belakangan ini jadi semakin susah karena malam sering hujan dan badan sudah terlalu kecapekan setelah pulang kantor). Selain itu, ketika misery dan rindu terkadang tiba-tiba menggulung jadi tsunami setelah putus, saya bahkan sampai mampu berjalan kaki sampai lebih dari 40 km (, yaitu perjalanan pulang-pergi rumah saya di Jatibening hingga sekeliling daerah dekat kantor pusat kemenkkeu di Lapangan Banteng. Because, in the face of exhaustions, the soul stop screaming for her, instead, it asked for food, drink, and rest.

Seperti apa kata Van Gogh, “Love always brings difficulties, that is true, but the good side of it is that it gives energy.”

Selain itu. Saya yang super pemalas ini, juga sempat terpaksa memikirkan hal-hal tidak nyaman terkait tanggung jawab (jika hubungan waktu itu bertahan sampai jauh). Saya selalu, berpikir bahwa apa-apa yang bapak saya lakukan itu repot sekali: mengurus keluarga, membangun rumah, mengurus berbagai surat identitas keluarga, dan bersosialisasi di masyarakat. Ugh, belum kalau tiba-tiba atap bocor, antena terganggu, ac rusak, pompa air rusak, ibu sakit, yak ampun tanggung jawabnya. Saya kalau bisa inginnya sih tidak mau hidup serepot itu, urus diri sendiri aja belum bisa, tapi, tapi, tapi … mungkin, kalau demi orang yang penting bagi diri saya, saya akan mau. Mau. Yeah, but, damn you brain, I was just being too optimistic, thinking too far ahead, kalau di lagunya Muse nih, “hopes and expectations, black holes and revelations,” hahaha. But still, I really enjoyed the thoughts, and so glad I was able to think like that, even if it was just for a moment. I thought I’d never bother with that grown up stuffs; I thought I’d keep myself only to the vision of dying as soon as possible and as lonely as possible in somewhere far away where none of my friends or families could reach me. Well, now I’m considering that direction again. Kalau fantasi saya sih, inginnya mati di puncak gunung yang ada esnya.

Saya yang sebelumnya sangat tidak suka dengan lagu cecintaan umumnya, berubah menjadi lebih toleran, bahkan jadi cukup suka, khususnya kepada lagu-lagu sedihnya. Tak hanya itu, lagu-lagu yang dahulu hanya saya dengar karena suka musiknya saja, kini dapat saya cerna dengan perspektif baru. Rasanya seperti ada sebuah mata yang baru saja terbebas dari kelopaknya.

Dari “” saya simpulkan bahwa mendengarkan musik semacam itu memang benar-benar dapat berdampak baik dalam proses meringankan sakit. Oleh karena itu banyak lagu laku di pasaran yang bertemakan hal itu, toh karena memang demandnya tinggi, dan memang berdampak meringankan.

Berikut merupakan sebagian musisi dan lagu-lagu yang cukup berjasa dalam menemani saya, siapa tahu ada yang butuh rekomendasi, silakan. (Oh ya, keep in mind, lagu itu interpretasinya sangat subjektif, mungkin yang bagi orang lain bukan lagu sedih, bagi saya lagu sedih, vice versa):

– The Beatles: I’m A Loser, Yesterday, For No One, I’m Looking Through You, You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away.

– Elvis Presley: A Fool Such As I, Heartbreak Hotel, Hurt, Kentucky Rain, You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me, They Remind Me Too Much Of You, My Baby Left Me, Separate Ways.

– Frank Sinatra: I’ve Got You Under My Skin, What Now My Love, Goodbye (She Quietly Says), Can’t We Be Friends?, Glad To Be Unhappy, One For My Baby (And One More for the Road).

– Coldplay: Warning Sign, The Scientist, Magic, Trouble, True Love, Ink, The Hardest Part, Fix You, In My Place, Swallowed In The Sea, Ghost Story, A Sky Full Of Stars, Oceans.

– Ed Sheeran: Bloodstream, Drunk, Give Me Love, The Man, One, Don’t, Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright (Bob Dylan Cover), Thinking Out Loud.

-Muse: Starlight, Supermassive Black Hole, Time Is Running Out, Falling Away With You, Hysteria, Map Of The Problematique, Big Freeze, Sunburn, Apocalypse Please, Madness.

-The Script: Six Degrees Of Separation, Exit Wounds, If You See Kay, Nothing, Deadman Walking, The Man Who Can’t Be Moved, Glowing, If You Ever Come Back, Broken Arrow, No Words.

– Kumpulan Soundtrack Fallout New Vegas: It’s A Sin, Something’s Gotta Give, Blue Moon, Heartaches By The Number, Where Have You Been All My Life?

– Beberapa lagu lainnya: The National – Sorrow, Roy Orbison – In Dreams, Otis Redding – I’ve Been Loving You Too Long, Bob Dylan – Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright, John Legend – All Of Me, The Carpenters – Goodbye To Love, Crown The Empire – Makeshift Chemistry, Josh Groban – When You Say You Love Me, Phil Collins – Against All Odds, 5 Seconds Of Summer – Amnesia, Emarosa – Live it Love it Lust it, Dir en grey – Glass Skin, dan lain-lain.

Oh ya, selain itu, saya juga jadi terseret arus emosi untuk membuat lagu-lagu gegalauan. Sejauh ini baru jadi dua, Broke My Promise ( dan You Rhyme With Misery ( Broke My Promise itu tentang gagal menahan diri untuk tidak bersedih-sedih lagi. You Rhyme With Misery itu tentang niat untuk menyabotase perekonomian dan merusak kehidupan bermasyrakat sebagai luapan emosi negatif. Ada satu lagi yang sudah jadi konsepnya di dalam kepala, namun belum sempat dibuat, tunggu saja.

Bersedih-sedih itu memang menyenangkan dan mengasyikkan bukan?

Lirik lagu Frank Sinatra yang ini sepikiran dengan saya:

Unrequited love’s a bore, and I’ve got it pretty bad

But for someone you adore, it’s a pleasure to be sad

Like a straying baby lamb, with no mammy and no pappy

I’m so unhappy, but oh, so glad!

–Frank Sinatra, Glad To Be Unhappy

Intinya, saya banyak belajar mengenal diri sendiri lagi lebih jauh dengan pengalaman ini. Lebih membuka diri pada emosi dan pikiran yang sangat alien bagi saya. Bing, teman saya mengiyakan perubahan ini, katanya, “Sejak lu jadian ma dia, lu jadi lebih peka sama orang lain. Biasanya kalo lu ditanya apa, diajak diskusi, lu jawabannya nyuruh orang lain mikir atau nyari ke google. Jadi lebih terbuka gitu lah dan komunikatif.”

Semoga momentum perubahan itu terus bergerak, tidak berhenti atau berbalik arah. I don’t want to walk away only to find myself turning to something worse.

“Writing does not cause misery. It is born of misery.”

-Michel de Montaigne-

Oh ya, satu lagi contoh hal yang membuat saya merasa bahwa segala ini cukup bermanfaat adalah, saya berhasil lolos menang sayembara suatu kumpulan cerpen untuk pertama kalinya, dan cerpen itu terinspirasi olehnya.

10150614_10203985184413856_3532023384969442390_n 10991334_10203985184453857_618474668990363013_n

Yeah, bersyukur sekali saya ini punya hobi menulis, jadi derita ini tidak menjadi hal yang sia-sia, bahkan bisa jadi alat eksplorasi emosi supaya mampu menulis lebih baik.

“Whatever happened to me in my life, happened to me as a writer of plays. I’d fall in love, or fall in lust. And at the height of my passion, I would think, ‘So this is how it feels,’ and I would tie it up in pretty words. I watched my life as if it were happening to someone else. My son died. And I was hurt, but I watched my hurt, and even relished it, a little, for now I could write a real death, a true loss. My heart was broken by my dark lady, and I wept, in my room, alone; but while I wept, somewhere inside I smiled. For I knew I could take my broken heart and place it on the stage of The Globe, and make the pit cry tears of their own.”

― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 10: The Wake


I was spared by her. I could see it as an act of mercy. I could, yeah, I could.

I was released from most of my anxieties, from all the uncontrollable uninvited excessive empathy. Relieved from all obligations I thought I had to follow later on. A lot of speculative weights unburdened from my back. And I could return to my own journey towards anything as ugly as I wanted it to be. It’s not that I don’t care anymore, it’s just, I think she has enough, her family, her friends, and someone whom she said loves her very much. She also spared me from doing some reckless things that I had already planned back then. And by dumping me like that, she gave me the moral high ground, thus, she freed me from any potential guilt if this had ended the other way around. Are these enough reasons for me to accept this separation to just let it go?

At first, yes. Really. I thought it was a good mutual ending. She even gave me a really great and precise logical explanations. As a being who appreciates logic, I applauded her way of thinking and accepted it. I was fine. We were done. In a good way. But my intuition kept telling me that there was something a bit off. And yes. There was actually several things she had hidden. While it’s not a lie, I see it as a sin of omission. What hurt me most is not the things she had hidden from me, but the thing she had hidden from “the other man”. Ugh, it’s already too much details and I’m not gonna tell the rest, but here’s my impression: more or less it was something I could accept as fair, but, unfortunately, in my view, it’s unethical. Like a curse, that little taint alone managed to corrupt the good ending into something far more painful. It makes me feel so small and so meaningless.

The Beatles’ You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away illustrates this existential misery quite properly:

Here I stand, head in hand, turn my face to the wall

If she’s gone I can’t go on, feeling two foot small

Everywhere people stare, each and every day

I can see them laugh at me and I hear them say,

Hey! You’ve got to hide your love away!

Hey! You’ve got to hide your love away!


Blame and Introspection

          When I asked her what should I tell my friends if they asked about this separation, she allowed me to blame it on her unstability. But things are far more complicated than that. Me too, got a fair share of mistakes myself. And merely blaming her would makes me feel far smaller, far more meaningless, and totally insignificant passive being.
“What is life’s greatest illusion? Innocence, my brother.”

―Dawnstar Sanctuary Door.

Yes, I was too weak. If I were strong enough, I’d just let things stay cold back then, I’d not let my icy walls melted away, I’d not let myself to write that love letter. But hey! It’s a mistake all people got to make in their lifetime, and I’m glad I made that mistake; I blame it, but I don’t resent it.

There is a bit darker side to that mistake though. Back then, I was interested in politics, it was the time when the presidential election was so popular. In the pursue of my interest, I came upon an interesting book titled, “Thank You For Arguing” written by Jay Heinrichs. It’s a book about rethoric, and by reading it and observing the situation, I understood how Jokowi would triumph through his ethos as a weapon, beating Prabowo along with his logos and pathos. Other than that, I was also very eager to test my rethoric comprehension on writings.

When she came closer to my life, approaching me, and sparked madness in my mind, not only it gave me some psychosomatic ailments, it also gave me the push to apply my rhetoric knowledge into the love letter I wrote. No. No. No. The letter wasn’t filled with lies, it’s an honest letter, I just composed and arranged the words according to some rethoric theories. It served as a silly parameter regarding my rhetoric comprehension; whether I could get her as a girlfriend with my wordcraft or not. And I got her, for a while. Well, while it’s just a fragment of the whole thing, it’s definitely a critical decision moment.

Damn it, Frank Sinatra’s I’ve Got You Under My Skin really really portrays all of this appropriately.

I’ve got you under my skin.

I tried so not to give in.

I’ve said to myself this affair, it never will go so well.

But why should I try to resist when baby, I know damn well,

That I’ve got you under my skin?

I’d sacrifice anything come what might,

For the sake of havin’ you near.

In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night,

And repeats, repeats in my ear,

“Don’t you know you fool, you never can win?”

 “Use your mentality.”

“Wake up to reality.”

But each time I do, just the thought of you makes me stop,

Before I begin, because I’ve got you under my skin.

Sigh. There are a lot of factors that I already knew would made my love beaten to pulp.

One of the biggest factor is: I’m in a “difficult background”. I came from a strict religious family, and even though I never told my family about this, I knew they’d probably against us. Even IF we’re from the same creed, my family would against dating anyway, and the fact that we’re from different creed made it so fucking worse. I already gave her some picture about this bad situation I’m in before I sent her that letter, so when she accepted me, it’s quite logical for me to thought for a while that she’s comitted to fight along with me on that difficult road; and back then I felt really bad about draging her with me.

Considering the obstacles, I thought I had to prepare as if it was a grand political campaign; to make the relationship turns into a vivid argument, a living tool of rethoric, in past, in present, in future, in ethos, in pathos,  in logos, and in kairos, to make the connection fruitful and enhance our growth into far far better individuals (this way, even if our plan thwarted, the effort itself would be enough as a reward; it’s a win-win campaign). I also may use some issues within my family as an extra persuasion tool, for example: my aunt sometimes treated my grandmother like shit, and the fact that my aunt’s relationship with her ex of different creed was not supported back then, might play part in her hostility, this, I could use against my Mom since she’s been constantly warning me not to grow up like my aunt. But then, like I mentioned before, I was spared by her mercy from all the reckless things I might have done to struggle on that difficult path.

I blame myself in this part, I knew all along that doom was almost certain, and I tried to drag her along with me on the account of my selfishness. When she dumped me, she said it’s too risky. Oh, well, I do agreed with her, but still, I was suffocated in a mix of crushing disappointment and awkward reluctant gratitude.

Another great factor of doom is my inherent lack of quality.


Who am I compared to her exes? Compared to the regiments of gentlemen chasing her? Compared to “the other man”? Nothing but a mere compound of ashes, dusts, sands, and dirts. Though I’m under contract to serve later in Ministry Of Finance, I was essentialy jobless, and moneyless at the time. I also lacked the resources and willpower to actually reach her. I was also a fucking retard in expressing my affection, shy and awkward; clueless, helpless, so so so much less. I could go on and on to tell you readers about my unattractive traits, but that would bore you, so I’d rather stop now. In short, I wasn’t ready for love, I wasn’t ready to love. Goddamn it.


Ada beberapa analogi yang hendak saya sampaikan.

Anda tahu Pokemon? Magikarp?

New Picture (1)

Magikarp! Famous for being very unreliable. It can be found swimming in seas, lakes, rivers, and shallow puddles. Whoever its opponent, and however horrible the attack it receives, all it does is Splash around. An underpowered, pathetic Pokemon. It may jump high on rare occassions, but never more than seven feet. Its swimming muscles are weak, so it is easily washed away by currents. In places where water pools, you can see many Magikarp deposited by the flow. It is virtually worthless in terms of both power and speed. It is the most weak and pathetic Pokemon in the world.


I feel like a Magikarp that once had been captured by a trainer (her) but eventually thrown away. I had high hope that she would trained me, partnered with me, helped me leveling and evolving into a Gyarados. But before that happened, she gave up on me, threw me back into the wild because I was just taking up space she could fill with any Pokemon far cooler and more useful than me. That’s fair. Okay. Now I have to Splash around alone like a damn right weirdo I am, trying pathetically to become a Gyarados by myself though its odd is very small.


Sekarang analogi yang sedikit lebih baik. Pada suatu hari di sebuah pantai.


Saya sebagai seorang pengunjung pantai biasa saja. Hanya sedang berenang santai di air dangkal. Overweight and definitely tidak bisa berselancar. Namun tiba-tiba saya melihat sebuah ombak yang mulai menggulung. Dan kebetulan ada sebuah papan selancar entah punya siapa menyenggol-nyenggol saya.

Suara gulungan ombak itu menyapa jantung hingga berdebar. Aroma asin laut mendadak jadi begitu tajam hingga lambung bergejolak. Terpesona, otot leher tegang, bulu kuduk berdiri. Mengepalkan tangan. Menggertakan gigi. Dengan gegabah berlari menerjang ombak besar tersebut. Mencoba berselancar dengan papan temuan dan modal nekat. Tentu saja hal itu berujung dengan diri saya terbanting, tergulung, bonyok, dan menenggak begitu banyak air asin yang bercampur darah.

Apa yang sebaiknya dilakukan? Tentu saja segera bangkit lalu berenang kembali ke daratan, jangan berlama-lama terseret arus dan tenggelam! Tapi apa daya, saya ini orang bodoh, entah ada rusak apa di otak ini, masih saja, membatu menikmati basahnya paru, kembungnya lambung, dan membirunya kulit.

Satu analogi lagi.

Sebagai balasan atas panggilan “Ebola”nya kepada saya, saya sering menjulukinya sebagai “Ruh Jahat”.

New Picture (2)

Bisa dibilang memang saya menyebutnya ruh jahat karena saya sudah memperkirakan kemungkinannya akan berakhir seperti ini. Bisa dibilang itu sebagai upaya supaya ketika akhirnya terjadi, setidaknya sudah lebih siap sakit, meski tetap sakit. Namun sebenarnya ada sudut pandang yang lebih saya sukai.

Saya, berperan sebagai entah druid, entah shaman, entah necromancer, entah summoner, atau apapun lainnya yang mampu mengkidungkan mantra sihir ke alam. Menjeratnya –-ruh jahat– ke sisi saya. Dan ketika akhirnya berakhir, anggap saja, saat itulah saat saya kehabisan energi sihir. I was out of manna!


A young apprentice in the way of magic once tried his hands on Necromancy. Trying to spellbind an evil spirit to his side, he sneaked his way to the Forbidden Graveyard somewhere near the Valley of Solemn Thoughts. The binding was a success at first. And it gave him not only joy. But also agony. Because he realized his mana pool was too small, and its rate of regeneration was too inadequate; in short, he knew one day his mana would be depleted and the spirit would soar away from him. But it’s a good experience. He took risks, and he did it in his own way. And he was, grateful.



If you paid attention to this post, you now know that my family didn’t know anything regarding my relationship. I also didn’t have any close friend nearby at arms reach. Thus when the sorrow conquered me, I was helpless, I had to hide from my family when I needed to weep. One thing I could do was spamming my online buddies with my sorrow (thanks guys, and sorry if I was being a nuisance!). One of them that I trusted to talk about this was David McElroy, he’s a writer, and he responded my messages with an article he published on his website. Here is the link:


He disguised my name into Josh. There are some excerpts I’d like to highlight here:

“So what do you do? You let yourself cry. You feel the hurt. You grieve with a pain that’s just as bad as losing someone to death. And then you slowly start to heal. Very slowly, in many cases.


“But at some point, you’ll love again. When that happens, the world will seem bright and shiny and new again. You’ll be happy and joyful again.

“That love might or might not last, so I’m not promising it will be any better. You might be hurt again. But there might very well come a day when love comes and stays, when there’s someone you can trust and love and be happy with.

“I can’t make any guarantees that it will happen. I can only say that it’s worth pursuing.

“Love isn’t rational in any of its forms. It will make you do irrational things at times. But love will change you and give you what your heart most needs. It’s worth pursuing — and going through the hurt.

“Have faith in love. It’s the only thing that makes life worth living.”

Pada 4 Agustus 2014, saya pernah me-reshare sebuah gambar bertuliskan, “If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only two words?” Saat itu, Michael Ferguson, Principal di The Polymathic Institute memberikan saran, “Avoid girls.”


CRAP. I don’t know. I’m not sure what to do anymore. Other than occasional weeping, maybe I’ll try not to do anything. Yes. Untill I’m completely calm, until I could handle the “difficult background” I’m in. I think I’d just try to murder every love away. But really, as I have mentioned before, I was spared from the speculative weights in my over-imaginative mind. But that weight was also the one that forced me to think bigger, harder, riskier, it gave me courage and shit and greater desire to live, so David was right when he said love makes life worth living. But I hope, l really hope it’s not the only thing. Please. Dog. I mean God. Don’t make it the only thing. Oh, maybe I could try hatred. Maybe with hatred I could grasp more desire to live? But maybe no; my life is already filled with enough hatred, and I’m still a dumb slowpoke sloth.

I used to disdain people’s infatuation with love stories. I used to look down on people who’re involved in storm of romances. I thought that they’re so weak that they need other parties to feel great. Now I know the pain of losing, I applauded them all. Salute, for those who never give up on trying to find their best match. It’s so fucking painful, yet, these people are all so brave, risking themselves on the open.

I once read a book about Math. It mentioned a story about Thales of Miletus. Though there’s no hard evidence whether this account is true or not, it’s an amusing read regarding love:

His “fatherhood” of demonstrative  mathematics  notwithstanding, Thales never married. When Solon, a contemporary, asked why, Thales arranged a cruel ruse whereby a messenger brought Solon news of his son’s death. According to Plutarch, Solon then began to beat his head and to do and say all that is usual with men in transports of grief. But Thales took his hand, and, with a smile, said, “These things, Solon, keep me from marriage and rearing children, which are too great for even your constancy to support; however, be not concerned at the report, for it is a fiction.”

Yep. What a cruel prank Thales did just to illustrate the pain of loving.

It seems to me. Love exists (mostly) in a war zone, reserved only for the tough, the strong, the brave. Because it’s more frightening than politics; filled with fallacies, biases, frauds, self-deceptions, and unfortunate timings. It resides in a supermassive black hole where even great minds such as Nietzche fell, and Napoleon maddened!

Fucking scary huh? Weakling like me would get bullets burried within my ass, head separated from my shoulders, fireworks on my intestines, in no time. WORSE, it doesn’t kill! I didn’t die. I survived the meteor shower. But. Well. Hmmm. Maybe I’ll just adhere to Michael Ferguson’s word. *sigh*

It’s worse, because by every sip of air to these charred lungs, I feel obligated to learn, to thrive, to march onward, but I know it’s tiring, I don’t want to be tired, shit, I don’t know shit, it’s so primal, framed structured madness, automatic chaotic intentions, whatever ever been so keen of fever. Goddamn it. Stop. Brain. Stop.


Okay. One other thing I’d like to say is my disappointment towards my way of thinking. As you read along and as I re-read this piece whole patches of abomination over and over, I conclude that I’m such a fool. I rely on external forces such as “the difficult path” and the presence of “love” from other person to grow. Why? Why didn’t I just want to grow just for myself? Why am I too easily pleased with what I have now? Why am I living too small? Bloody hell. It’s a thing I have to work on. I’m lacking passion. I’m lacking fire to pursue big things. I aim too low. I don’t want to stand up for anything. I don’t want to stand up for myself. As if I just want to lay down, drowned in my own piss, burried and choked by my own feces, smiling.

Fuck it. Despite writing this much bullcrap. I’m still clueless in the end. All I know is, there are wrong things ahead of me, and probably there’s no such thing as ready. Fight it.


Golput Senjata Rahasia Rakyat

Ingatlah, propaganda ada bukan untuk mengangkat derajat manusia, bukan untuk membebaskannya, propaganda selalu ada untuk mengajaknya menjadi pengikut dan pelayan yang merasa puas, umpama kerbau dicocok hidungnya yang merasa nyaman tinggal di kandang padahal sebentar lagi disembelih untuk dijadikan bahan pesta, laksana bocah-bocah ingusan yang mendaftar perang karena dijanjikan kejayaan perang lalu berakhir di kuburan massal.

Golput sebagai senjata rahasia rakyat? Saking rahasianya, sampai banyak yang terbodohi propaganda bahwa golput merupakan perbuatan tak bernyali.  Padahal justru sebaliknya, golput dapat menjadi modal bagi terjadinya peristiwa yang memerlukan nyali jauh lebih tinggi daripada memilih suara. Namun di sini saya tidak berniat berdebat bahwa golput lebih baik daripada memilih, begitu juga sebaliknya; karena saya sendiri mungkin akan golput, mungkin juga tidak. Di sini saya hanya akan sedikit bicara terkait beberapa pendapat yang kebetulan sedang saya ingat dan saya rasa kurang logis.


1. “Tidak memilih itu tidak bertanggung jawab! Tidak memilih menyebabkan politisi yang tidak pantas jadi terpilih!”

Ini namanya memutarbalikan fakta. Jika anda mau menggunakan otak anda sedikit saja sudah jelas bahwa yang menyebabkan politisi zalim terpilih adalah orang-orang yang turut berpartisipasi memilih pada saat pemilu, yaitu segolongan dengan para pemuja pemilu, camkan itu.

Lalu mengapa menyalahkan yang tidak turut berpartisipasi alias golput? Ini namanya mental tempe yang tidak mau mengakui kesalahan golongan sendiri lalu mencari kambing hitam, umpama seseorang yang menyalahkan ketidakadaannya hujan ketika rumahnya kebakaran, ketimbang mengakui bahwa kecerobohannyalah yang menyebabkan rumah terbakar.


30% rakyat golput, 70% memilih, lalu di antara 70% itu terjadi perebutan suara, kemudian menang suatu partai X dengan suara 40%. Namun kemudian diketahui bahwa ternyata partai itu zolim.

Mungkin logika anda adalah seandainya JIKA dahulu, 30% golput itu turut memilih partai lain sehingga partai X zolim itu tidak terpilih maka segalanya akan lebih baik. Tapi sekali lagi, tolong camkan ini adalah JIKA-JIKAAN saja, yaitu hanya sekadar PERANDAI-ANDAIAN, yang belum tentu terjadi. Bagaimana jika 30% yang golput itu jika turut berpartisipasi dalam pemilu justru mendukung partai X zolim? Justru semakin menguatkan legitimasi kezoliman bukan? Mengkambinghitamkan pihak lain hanya berdasarkan perandai-andaian itu bagai memfitnah saudara sendiri karena fantasi di otak saja.


2. “Jangan Golput! Jangan biarkan hak suara anda yang tidak tepakai kemudian direkayasa pihak-pihak tidak bertanggung jawab!”

Saya cuma bisa tertawa dan berpikir, jika anda begitu tidak percaya pihak pemerintah tidak mampu menjaga proses pemilu, bagaimana anda bisa yakin pemerintah mampu menjaga proses pemerintahan? Menyalahkan pihak golput atas hak suara yang direkayasa itu umpama menyalahkan korban perkosaan atas tragedi yang menimpa korban tersebut. Tidak berani melihat siapa yang sesungguhnya salah, hanya berani menunjuk yang lebih lemah di matanya untuk turut berlagak punya moral.


3. “Golput itu sikap pesimis! Menyerah sebelum berusaha! Menunjukkan ketidakpedulian terhadap nasib bangsa!”

Ini mungkin benar mungkin salah tergantung individunya.

Ada logika seperti ini, turut berpartisi dalam pemilu justru merupakan suatu bentuk apatisme. Ketika orang-orang merasa dengan menyumbang satu suara maka proses demokrasi sudah berjalan, kemudian mereka kembali ke kehidupan masing-masing dan dengan santai menanti siklus pesta demokrasi selanjutnya beberapa tahun lagi, sembari sesekali mungkin mengomel di depan televisi ketika menyimak siapa-siapa yang ia pilih kemudian bertindak zalim; ini adalah suatu apatisme.  Para pemilih dalam pemilu dapat disebut tidak apatis jika, setelah calonnya terpilih, ia akan terus memusatkan sebagian besar perhatian dan waktunya untuk memantau orang yang ia pilih, dan tidak akan tidur tenang lalu berusaha keras mencopotnya ketika orang yang ia pilih ternyata zalim.

Ada juga logika seperti ini, pesimisme pada suatu bentuk itu menciptakan ruang untuk optimisme pada bentuk lain tumbuh. Jika ada individu yang pesimis lantas golput, bisa jadi ia justru sangat optimis. Ia optimis terhadap bentuk yang lain. Misalnya, ia optimis terhadap Direct Democracy bukan Representative “Democracy”.  Atau mungkin juga ia optimis terhadap Consensus Decision Making karena ia merasa “democracy” apapun akan menindas minoritas. Pertimbangkan, baik Direct Democracy maupun Consensus Decision Making  mungkin membutuhkan nyali dan sikap aktif yang jauh lebih menuntut kepada rakyat daripada memilih calon perwakilan. Jadi belum tentu golput itu sikap pesimis.


4. “Golput tidak akan berpengaruh apa-apa! Percuma! Sia-sia! Mau semakin banyak yang golput, pemilu tetap akan jalan dan calon terpilih akan tetap dilantik!”

Saya jadi heran, kalau memang tidak ada pengaruhnya lalu mengapa mereka berkoar-koar mengkampanyekan anti golput? Sesungguhnya ada pengaruhnya, namun mereka tidak mau orang banyak tahu.



Bayangkan pada suatu pemilihan, partai X terpilih. Lalu bayangkan partai X memerintah dengan baik. Meskipun tingkat golput banyak atau sedikit, jika partai tersebut memerintah dengan baik tentu tidak ada kerugian dan tidak ada penyesalan kan?

Sekarang bayangkan, jika pada suatu pemilihan terpilih partai Z dan ternyata partai Z memerintah dengan zalim. Ketika tingkat golput sedikit, para pegawai yang terlibat dalam pemerintahan zalim tersebut merasa tidak bersalah dan merasa pemerintahan itu adalah hak, maka pihak-pihak yang tertindas cenderung takut untuk bersuara. Sekarang bayangkan jika tingkat golput sangat tinggi; pemerintah yang berniat zalim akan gemetar duluan terhadap potensi dari massa golput yang dapat menjadi motor pergerakan perlawanan jika terjadi penindasan.

Inilah senjata rahasia rakyat. Senjata yang tidak akan melukai siapapun pada pemerintahan yang baik. Namun siap menikam jika tahta diduduki para pendurhaka.

Asal-usul golput memang sebenarnya berasal dari era Orde Baru, ketika rakyat muak dengan apapun pilihan mereka hasilnya akan sama saja. Namun apakah ketika sudah berganti  ke era reformasi lantas kita boleh melepaskan kewaspadaan? Apakah ada jaminan bahwa di masa depan tidak akan ada orang zalim naik tahta?



Saran saya, ikutlah memilih jika anda SANGAT YAKIN pada calon yang anda pilih. Lalu sakit hatilah, lalu marahlah, lalu mengamuklah sejadi-jadinya sedamai mungkin dengan segala metode yang dapat anda gunakan jika kemudian anda tahu calon anda rusak.

Janganlah memilih jika anda ragu, tidak hanya ragu kepada calon, namun juga ragu kepada sistem.  Lalu pikirkanlah solusi, perbaikan-perbaikan yang bisa anda kerjakan sendiri dengan tangan anda dengan jerih payah anda. Jika berani, pikirkan dan cari juga alternatif-alternatif sistem yang belum pernah anda ketahui, teliti, lalu renungkan.

Selalu ingat, dunia ini begitu luas, dan sejarahnya begitu panjang, tidak ada negeri yang akan bertahan selamanya, dan berdasarkan bukti arkeologis pada tulang-tulang manusia, ketika kekaisaran romawi runtuh nutrisi rakyat justru meningkat.



“Dubium sapientiae initium.
Doubt is the origin of wisdom.”
-René Descartes-

Perlakuan Ulasan Tidak Sama dan Juri Tidak Membaca Sampai Selesai

Salam Fantasi. Mari bersama meniatkan diri memajukan scene fantasi Indonesia.Saya mau mengulas perlakuan juri yang ganjil(tidak sama) dalam mengulas cerita berdasarkan pengumuman di Ulasan-FF2012-All.pdf

1. Dari scope kecil dulu(karya saya):

Buka PDF Ulasan FF2012. Tekan CTRL + F, lalu ketik : ‘Narasinya’

Perhatikan kata-kata yang mengikuti setelah setiap temuan ‘Narasinya’. Kebanyakan adalah: jelas, menarik, mudah diikuti, rapi, sederhana, lancar, dan sejenisnya. Ada satu pengecualian di nomor urut 160. Setelah kata ‘Narasinya’ terdapat kata ‘level tinggi’. Apa ini maksudnya? Sarkasme? Jika dikaitkan dengan konteks di mana terdapat ketidaksamaan perlakuan terhadap cerpen ini, yang hanya diulas oleh dua juri, kata ‘level tinggi’ ini sungguh sangat mengganggu saya. Saya bertanya-tanya, apa kata ‘level tinggi’ ini digunakan juri untuk mencoba melindungi kredibilitasnya sendiri karena ragu-ragu mau mengatakan bahwa narasi itu buruk? Bahkan komen juri lainnya, menuliskan “terlalu canggih”, apalagi itu maksudnya? Bahkan juri yang bilang terlalu canggih ini sendiri mengakui bahwa dia TIDAK MEMBACA cerpen itu sampai selesai? Beraninya bilang canggih tapi baca belum selesai? Ini lagi stand up comedy ya?

Saya anggap bahwa cerita saya ini hanya dibaca oleh seorang juri. Entah yang lain tidak sudi atau tidak sanggup atau apa? Atau malas karena merasa sudah cukup dapat mendapat stock cerita untuk dikomersilkan?

Saya memohon akan adanya perlakuan yang sama terhadap semua cerita. Yaitu ulasan dari semua juri di masing-masing cerita.

2. Scope lebih luas (25 sampel awal):

Saya mencoba mengambil sampel dari 25 ulasan awal, dan ternyata terdapat 17 karya yang tidak diulas oleh keseluruhan juri. Ini bagaimana? Apa alasannya? Alasan capek saya tolak. Sudah konsekuensi dari awal itu, dan seharusnya juri paham.

Ini daftarnya, 17 karya yang tidak diulas oleh semua juri dari sampel 25 ulasan pertama yang ada di Ulasan-FF2012-All.pdf:

2. Aku Bermimpi Tikus. karya Mirsya Mulyani. Hanya diulas DPK dan Dian.

4. Kisah Ayam Hutan. karya Anselmus. Hanya diulas DPK, Dian, dan Boni.

5. Kisah Tentang Musim Dingin. karya K.A.Z. Violin. Hanya diulas Villam dan Boni.

6. Sisi Lain Dunia Kucing. karya Narita. Hanya diulas Villam dan DPK.

7. Bencana Dari Hujis, Batu Hitam Pembawa Petaka. karya Yonizyul. Hanya diulas DPK dan Dian.

8. Karena Aku Bukan Malaikat. karya Kurnia Bayu. Hanya diulas Dian dan Boni.

10. Permata Yang Disebut Cinta. karya Omegakaiser. Hanya diulas Villam dan Boni.

11. Menuju Jalan Keluar. karya Selv Beriane. Hanya diulas Villam dan DPK.

12. Syal Merah. karya Michelle Aoki. Hanya diulas DPK dan Dian.

14. Geck dan Ann – Ketika Perbedaan Tidak Bermakna. karya Vect. Hanya diulas DPK dan Boni.

15. Takdir Sembilan Dunia. karya Aditya R.F. Hanya diulas Villam dan Boni.

16. Penjaga Mimpi. karya El Lydr. Hanya diulas Villam dan DPK.

17. Gadis Laut. karya Cecilia Li. Hanya diulas DPK dan Dian.

20. Kisah Dari Buana: Serra di Lembah Sabit Kembar. karya Ryan Dachna. Hanya diulas Villam.

22. Lanze karya. O Lihin. Hanya diulas DPK dan Dian.

24. Membunuh Atau Dibunuh. karya Yusuf.Hanya diulas DPK dan Boni.

25. Mencari Lucian. karya Mimil Charmel.Hanya diulas Villam dan Boni.

Ckckck. Ini baru dari sampel 25 cerita pertama lho. Saya memohon akan adanya perlakuan yang sama terhadap semua cerita. Yaitu ulasan dari semua juri di masing-masing cerita.

3.Scope Fantasy Fiesta tahunan:

Ulasan juri yang perlakuannya tidak sama ini juga terjadi pada event Fantasy Fiesta 2011, di mana terdapat banyak sekali cerita yang hanya diulas oleh Villam seorang, juri lain pertanggungjawaban moralnya mana? Dan ketika saya berharap bahwa hal itu tidak terulang lagi pada tahun ini, harapan saya dikoyak-koyak oleh [Ulasan-FF2012-All.pdf]

Juri mengulas cerita. Maka penulis cerita sebaiknya juga mengulas perlakuan juri dalam mengulas cerita. Jika interaksi satu arah: kritik, ulasan, dari juri diharapkan akan membawa kebaikan bagi penulis cerita yang mampu introspeksi, maka interaksi dua arah dalam kritik dan ulas antar pemilik cerita dan pengulas, saya harap akan berpotensi menghasilkan introspeksi dan peningkatan kualitas yang lebih baik.

Salam Fantasi. Mari bersama meniatkan diri memajukan scene fantasi Indonesia.  Saya ucapkan terima kasih atas penyelenggaraan event yang sangat baik ini, di mana juri-jurinya benar-benar rajin dan berani transparan untuk mengekspos ulasan mereka. Hanya saja, saya memohon akan adanya perlakuan yang sama terhadap semua cerita. Yaitu ulasan dari semua juri di masing-masing. Jikalau ada cerita yang diulas semua juri, kenapa ada cerita yang hanya diulas satu juri?

Terima kasih.

Sasmito Yudha Husada, Smith61, Chwilyswr, dan Serabut Ketek. Nomor urut 160. Primata. ❤


Kemudian, juri merespon saya:

Villam says:

Sebagai juri, tugas sebenarnya hanyalah menjuri, bukan mengulas cerita.
Jikapun kemudian ada ulasan, itu adalah bonus, karena jurinya baik hati dan bersedia memberikan sesuatu yang lebih banyak kepada peserta.
Namun jika ternyata usaha dan kebaikan itu tetap dianggap tidak baik oleh peserta, maka saya pun tidak akan membalas dengan kebaikan yang lebih banyak lagi.

Tetapi mungkin juri lain bersedia memberi kebaikan kepada kamu walaupun di awal permohonanmu kamu sudah membuat prasangka-prasangka yang buruk (membuat prasangka-prasangka buruk memang sesuatu yang asyik buat dilakukan sepertinya ya?). Saya tidak tahu, tapi silakan coba tanya saja kepada masing-masing juri secara pribadi.

Kalau saya tidak.

Rasanya kalau buat saya ini sudah cukup.

Terima kasih.


yang saya Reply
  • Chwilyswr Sang Serabut Ketek(saya)

    1. Ulasan adalah bonus:
    Iya bonus. Ulasan di event Fantasy Fiesta ini sangat keren kok. Generous. Saya anggap baik. Namun karena pembagian ulasannya sangat tidak merata dan terasa ganjil. Itu menimbulkan prasangka buruk, bahwa cerpen yang disubmit tidak dibaca oleh semua juri. Dan sudah jelas salah satu juri, mengaku bahwa dia berhenti membaca dalam ulasannya.

    Nah lho. Yang ditulis ulasannya aja mengaku berhenti membaca? Seberapa besar kemungkinan juri lain yang tidak ikut mengulas itu ternyata juga tidak membaca?

    2. Tugas Juri hanya menjuri:
    Apakah penjurian setiap cerita dilakukan oleh 4 juri? ataukah sesuai dengan apa yang ditampilkan dalam ulasan? Jika kembali berasumsi berdasarkan salah satu ulasan yang jurinya mengakui dia tidak membaca sampai selesai? lalu bisa disimpulkan yang menjuri setiap cerita itu tidak semua juri? atau bagaimana?

    3. Maafkan kalau prasangka saya memang mengena. Maafkan juga kalau tidak kena.


    Sampai saat postingan ini ditulis(10:41 22 September 2012), belum ada respon lagi.


    Oh iya, ada rekan sesama peserta, yang mengkritisi ‘isi’ ulasan Juri di:

Incomplete Guide To Hate

Incomplete Guide To Hate

Written by Sasmito Yudha Husada, 29 June 2012.

Disclaimer :

This was written by a retarded boy whose native language isn’t English. So please bear with the grammatical errors. LOL. Why the boy did so? Because he wanted to convey his messages to more people, in assumption that a lot of people understand English more.

Once I saw an awesome meme in the internet. A meme that advocates people to “Fuck your Nationalism! We are all Earthlings!”(Simply means we should not become fragmented and violating each other for the sake of nationalism) Oh yes, yes, from that point I started to wonder. I tried to expand that meme into some idea that sounds bad ass to me at the time. The problem I saw, the main crack of unnecessary fragmentation of humans as an Earthlings, I think, maybe, ummm, pointed to … Hate.

These are the stuffs I pondered and wondered:

Fuck your God, If it makes you hate people.

Fuck your Atheism, If it makes you hate people.

Fuck your Capitalism if it makes you hate people.

Fuck your Socialism if it makes you hate people.

The formula is here :

Fuck your (insert Idea, Ideal, the unreal things, the novel motif, the shits, etc) if it makes you hate people (‘People’ here serves as an example of the reality. The existence in front of us with their own ethic and moral)

The Ill mannered use of the word ‘Fuck’, is intended to be an active vocal approach towards the reasonings in the formula. But … now I pondered it again. The statement itself seems very awfully hateful. Damn it, can we avoid hate at all?

LOL. I knew it. Trying to erase hate is futile. But please, do not hate my effort.

First thing first, let us review what hate is?  But because I’m a lazy ass, I suggest you just go google them yourself, or here have some of hate quotes I stole from Internet :

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself.  What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.  ~Hermann Hesse

The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less.  ~Eldridge Cleaver

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.

― Elie Wiesel

Most hatred is based on fear, one way or another. Yeah. I wrapped myself in anger, with a dash of hate, and at the bottom of it all was an icy center of pure terror.
― Laurell K. Hamilton

So, what does hate, hatred, serve?

In my opinion, Hate, Hatred, is the main point of connector between [the reasoning] and [the action of inflicting pain] or even [transmitting the disease of hatred] itself.

Ugly reasoning, which may come from idea, emotion, impulse or anything, well, what funny is, that even a non-hateful idea may very well trigger a hate. Example : An Idea that teach people not to become drunk because of its potential damage, may become a trigger of hate when the people who grasped the idea are incapable of controlling themselves. Some may even wreak havoc, destroying people’s liquor business for the sake of  that idea.

More example of the action of inflicting pain, the disease transmitting, the retardation of hatred, I quote from ‘How To Respond To Hate’ of The Chronicle’s article which written by Abdullah Antepli’s : “Just to mention a few: An American soldier named Robert Bales walked into the midst of an Afghan community and in cold blood shot 16 people dead, including nine children and three women, one of whom was pregnant. A 17-year-old black high school student, Trayvon Martin, was tragically shot and killed by a racist in Florida. A terrorist in France killed seven people in a nine-day shooting rampage against paratroopers, two of whom were fellow Muslims, and innocent Jewish schoolchildren. Last, but not least, Shaima AlAwadi, a California resident of Iraqi Muslim background and mother of five children, was beaten to death with an iron bar in her own home. According to the police reports, there was a note left on her body, which read: “Go back to your country, you terrorist.”

Really, reading that makes me really want to shout “Fuck your racism, we are all earthlings! “

I cannot do anything significant to prevent the future retardation of hate and massive damage and fragmentation it may cause. It is an unresistable existence. So, I think we should just guide our hatred. Put it behind the cage.

Here are my imperfect, incomplete, and fragile suggestions for the cage …

  1. Do not Hate! If something disturb you, if there are external factors that bother your internal values and principles and logics and comfort and anything that may give ways to hate rooted as the authority of your act and your main reasoning. You must quickly! Hurry! As soon as possible to work out your mind to intercept the concept of hate with the concept of Indifference. Just ignore, do not hate! Occupy your attention to more important matters at hand. IGNORE.
  2. What about the reasoning? Reasons of hate are incredibly varied, it really depends on the situations and the only thing I can suggest are :
    1. -The best way to improve control of your hatred is to confront your reasoning, understand it, challenge it, modifiy it, prevent it.
    2. -The worst and quickest way is to ignore your reasoning. Mark it as dangerous substances.
  3. The only hatred you should keep and feed is the Hatred for Hatred itself. Hate the Hate. Enforce your cage of hate, with hate. Prison the fiery demons with their own fire as fuel.
  4. This list is incomplete … sorry 🙂

Agnostic, Gnostic, dan Ungkapan Cinta

Agnostik tanpa disandingkan apa-apa memiliki makna ‘tanpa pengetahuan yang pasti’, maka Agnostik bukanlah suatu sistem kepercayaan agama. Jika disandingkan dengan kata-kata ini, maka :

Agnostic atheist : Tidak percaya keberadaan tuhan, but no claim of absolute certainty.

Gnostic atheist : Tidak percaya keberadaan tuhan, plus absolute certainty.

Agnostic theist : Percaya keberadaan tuhan, but no claim of absolute certainty.

Gnostic theist : Percaya keberadaan tuhan, plus claim of absolute certainty.

Begini, anggap ada dua kutub : Gnostic Atheist dan Gnostic Theist, sementara yang benar-benar murni Agnostic ada di tengahnya, dan di antara Gnostic dan Murni Agnostic itu ada Agnostic Theist dan Agnostic Atheist.

Susunannya :

Gnostic Atheist – Agnostic Atheist – Agnostic – Agnostic Theist – Gnostic Theist

Semakin orang merasa paling tahu, maka orang itu akan merasa paling benar, sementara semakin orang mengetahui sesuatu, maka akan semakin banyak ia memiliki pertanyaan dan merasa tidak tahu apa-apa. Eh, nggak juga sih, tergantung orangnya 😛


Menurut saya, yang berada di ujung kutub itu cenderung orang-orang yang lebih senang dan nyaman memiliki kepastian dalam hidup, dan, ehm, mungkin lho ya, malas/takut/dilarang untuk mencoba berpikir lewat sudut pandang lain atau menatap ke arah lain. Salah satu keunggulan pada tipe yang di ujung kutub adalah, mereka tinggal melaksanakan saja kepercayaan dan keabsolutan, tanpa repot-repot berpikir macam-macam, dan mereka, saya yakin, memiliki kompetensi cukup tinggi dalam ilmu-ilmu yang menjadi bidang di ujung kutub kepercayaan masing-masing.

Sementara orang-orang dalam sisi tengah dan sekitarnya, cenderung untuk orang-orang yang lebih senang dengan proses lebih lama dalam berpikir, merenung, dan menikmati proses mencari kebenaran dari berbagai pola cara kepercayaan dari sudut pandang yang lebih objektif, bukan sekedar memandang sesuatu sebagai sesuatu karena sebuah ajaran menyatakan bahwa sesuatu itu adalah sesuatu.


Saya sendiri sedari kecil berada di kutub paling kanan, lalu perlahan tumbuh, dan menyaksikan banyak inkonsistensi, maka saya sekarang [masih mencoba] bergeser satu langkah ke kiri. Agnostic Theist, di mana, saya masih sangat percaya keberadaan Tuhan, dan percaya dengan agama saya, masih beribadah, masih berdoa, masih memasrahkan diri, namun juga mulai mencoba untuk menjadi lebih objektif, membuka diri untuk belajar hal-hal yang sedari dulu ditutup-tutupi, membuka diri untuk mencoba menghargai kepercayaan orang lain yang di mana sebelumnya semuanya saya anggap salah kecuali apa-apa yang sama persis dengan apa yang diajarkan kepada saya yang waktu itu masih 1000permil Gnostic Theist.

Dalam proses menuju Agnostic Theist, saya merasakan suatu sensasi kenikmatan, di mana saya malah merasa lebih dekat dengan tuhan secara pribadi. Sungguh. Kebebasan dalam berpikir itu bagai telaga susu di tengah padang pasir.

Kenapa merasa lebih dekat dengan tuhan secara pribadi?

Karena tuhan dalam pandangan saya, bukan HANYA sekedar sebagai sosok pencipta yang maha kuasa, yang maha segalanya, yang tak terjangkau, yang mengancam seluruh manusia ciptaannya sendiri (yang sangat bervariasi cara berpikirnya dan budayanya) dengan siksa kecuali jika mereka menuruti satu macam perosedur kepercayaan absolut, bukan lagi sekedar sosok yang menyebabkan bencana-bencana alam, yang mengawasimu selalu tanpa menghargai privasi, yang … … … tak terpikirkan

Sementara sekarang, saya lebih bisa menganggap tuhan sebagai sahabat, sebagai kakak kelas, sebagai gadis pujaan hati yang membuat saya jatuh cinta pada pandangan pertama, sebagai orang tua yang saya buat kesal karena cara saya mencari perhatian, sebagai rival, sebagai kawan lama yang sedang bertengkar, sebagai orang asing baik hati yang tiba-tiba mengulurkan tangan pertolongan, sebagai kekasih yang begitu imut dan dapat saya berikan peluk cium ketika shalat, dan sebagainya …


Saya sadar, ketika, ehem, misalnya saya sedang suka menyindir-nyindirnya, melanggar peraturannya, men-share artikel-artikel yang seakan-akan menyudutkan keberadaannya, dan bahkan mempermainkan sosok populernya dalam cerita pendek karangan saya, bahkan berkhayal membuat agama saingannya, bermimpi lebih kuat darinya, maka sebenernya saya sedang cari perhatian kepadanya, saya cinta, dengan cinta yang begitu lugu dan bodoh …


Oh Allah Yang Maha Esa ♥

Engkau inspirasi yang membuat saya mabuk. Begitu tajam aroma engkau menusuk hidung saya, melumpuhkan, maka saya bertarung tolol dan serampangan, sehingga tak mampu jadinya tinju saya ini melukai dunia.

Lalu saya jatuh terlentang dalam ketidakberdayaan dan kepasrahan yang nikmat, karena saya jatuh di atas bayangan engkau yang selembut puisi cinta.

The idea of your existence and your perfection mesmerize my logic, my sanity, and my humanity.

The more i want you, the more i try to reject you because of the fear of broken heart.

The more i adore you, the more i want to erase you because of the pain of my suffocating lust.

I really want to having you as my own treasure, in the way i lead, in the place i set, on the bed of nail, under the hammering love of my mortal flesh.

Kill my conscience

Kill my love

Love is the only truth