The Foolish Dabbler’s Mind

I get it. Now let me try to examine it further; there’s a big chance that either my observations or my conclusions are wrong. So, if you want to help also, that would be great. This is it:

1. The Problem:
There are great dabblers, and there are foolish dabblers. Myself, unfortunately, is included in the foolish kind of dabblers. Some great dabblers are not merely novelty seeking, they actually acquired relatively competent skills. These are the ones we can call “Jack of all trade”; while I’m merely a “JOKE of all trade” that I myself laugh at.

2. The Cause:
It’s been a tiny dull pain at the back of my mind for quite a while. But turned vivid enough this afternoon. I was bored at the office, so I browsed some kind of web developer introduction materials. The site led me to a post [https://goo.gl/eOx6TH] that illustrated the phase of difficulties in code learning.

coding_is_hard_confidence_competence

Take a look at the chart I stole from the post. See the “hand-holding honeymoon” phase? It’s where the foolish dabblers –including me– give up. Example, I tried to learn X, Y, and Z kinds of stuff; they’re cool and I felt great, because there are many easy beginner resources to consume and to delude myself that I was knowledgeable about it, then, before I even get to the “cliff of confusion” phase, I stopped, only to switch into another beginner’s “hand-holding honeymoon” phase. This leads to a very tiny amount of competence acquisitions, that, of course, would soon dwindle; dried empty before they even turned into any useful or applicable skills. A waste of time and resources. But then, the mind is a selfish lawyer, it would, of course, provide several justifications including:

a. Because time and resources are limited, I need to evaluate first, whether such things I tried to learn is worthy of pursuit or not.
b. I don’t need mastery over these skills. I merely seek transcendental patterns.
c. They’re just for recreation. Never meant to be a precious thing. Only as worth as much as foods or beverages or vacations.
d. Etc, etc, etc, the selfish soft stuff behind the skull just keep on yapping!

To address these perverse justifications, one need to see the fog-covered-truth at what really happened in their own fucking brain. In my case, it was really awful. A shameful attempt at vanity to pretend that I’m a “learner”, that I get kicks from “learning”; while it’s not entirely false, the greater part of it is obviously social signalling. I did not really evaluate the skills I failed into worthy or not worthy, in truth, I’d really love to be good at them, and while I also want to catch any possible transcendental patterns, I also want to master them, hence they’re precious and not only for recreations, yet, despite this, the foolish pleasure at every beginning phase of learning, pushed me to overlook, to abandon them in one fell swoop.

Let’s take a look again at the chart. I suspect, that there are people who can and who cannot sense and prepare when the “cliff of confusion” would begin. I couldn’t, I can’t, hence the overwhelming fear of facing the truth of my incompetence that leads to early resignation.

It’s not that before I read the post I didn’t know that learning is hard. It’s just, uh, I was and still am too good at ignoring the obvious logic of the problem. The post helped it getting more vivid. And I think it still should be more more more vivid, umm, like a thunderous slap at the cheeks of my butt. But, hehe, that wouldn’t work as effective as it should be to a mental flagellant like me.

3. The Conclusion
It’s one thing to state the problem and another thing to solve them. Fuck. I’m not sure what to write. Let’s see, to make things practical and applicable, I tried to “reserve” a year dedicated to one thing. I abandoned an environment to remove potential distractions; I practically put myself into some kind of exile. BUT I FUCKING FAILED. Which is why I prolonged that one year into two. I FAILED AGAIN. I’d love to just conclude that I can’t, but I won’t.

There is a chance (which I hope is not the truth) that I don’t really get kicks from learning. And perhaps, I get kicks not only from every beginner’s thrill but also from the image I constructed from multiple failings, since “failure is the road to success” is a concept that often thrown around.

BUT HEY.

There are genuine failures from trying the best and there are meaningless failures from early self-sabotages. These meaningless failures are like pretending to quit at the edge of “dessert of despair” phase when you actually quit only when you’re still at the “hand-holding honeymoon” phase. What a dumbfuck coward; keep moving forward to reach the true despair!

Meh, enough of this useless thoughts. I want to get back into playing Darkest Dungeon and watch my heroes suffer from afflictions.

Advertisements

Review: Foundation

It’s nice to feel validated, even by fiction. But it’s a fiction by Isaac Asimov for fuck sake. Reading Foundation made me felt that. I was always convinced that religion must be preserved for its utility to accelerate a civilization from chaotic deep shit into a recognizably lawful society. But like a weapon, it must be unsheathed and sheathed in a proper manner. To actually do that, unfortunately, we pudding brain apes aren’t capable of knowing surely when. But in Foundation, Hari Seldon managed to calculate it with his Psychohistory.

The Galactic Empire was on the brink of its own fate. There’s nothing that could be done at that moment to prevent the fall. But, based on his Psychohistory calculation, Hari Seldon said, he could, at least, try to build a foundation to reduce the dark ages that would come, from 30000 years to merely 1000 years. Thus, it was built at the edge of the Galaxy. At first, the foundation was there only to compile and to process knowledge into a gigantic Encyclopedia meant to be a source of light in the dark, but then it changed and evolved into so much more.

The men from Terminus –the world where The Foundation organization was built– was called “magicians” by the citizens that lived in the crumbling shadows of the old empire. Here is an excerpt:

“There have been stories percolating through space. They travel strange paths and become distorted with every parsec, but when I was young there was a small ship of strange men, who did not know our customs and could not tell where they came from. They talked of magicians at the edge of the Galaxy; magicians who glowed in the darkness, who flew unaided through the air, and whom weapons would not touch.”

The story itself is revolved around the powerplay happened within the Foundation, and its dynamics with external powers, and its whole fate against the crises that had been predicted by Sheldon. It’s merely about ideas illustrated clearly by clever characters and interesting events. It’s great. I really loved it. Thanks, Asimov! I’ll continue to read the next two books of the trilogy.

Random Thought [code:pain-and-joy]

To be constantly cheerful, we should treat absence of joy as absence of pain, and absence of pain as presence of joy. One immediate application is in the way we perceive envy. Failing to seek greater joy must not generate unnecessary envy. And when one succesfully denied envy, one must generate happiness.

Incomplete Guide To Hate

Incomplete Guide To Hate

Written by Sasmito Yudha Husada, 29 June 2012.

Disclaimer :

This was written by a retarded boy whose native language isn’t English. So please bear with the grammatical errors. LOL. Why the boy did so? Because he wanted to convey his messages to more people, in assumption that a lot of people understand English more.

Once I saw an awesome meme in the internet. A meme that advocates people to “Fuck your Nationalism! We are all Earthlings!”(Simply means we should not become fragmented and violating each other for the sake of nationalism) Oh yes, yes, from that point I started to wonder. I tried to expand that meme into some idea that sounds bad ass to me at the time. The problem I saw, the main crack of unnecessary fragmentation of humans as an Earthlings, I think, maybe, ummm, pointed to … Hate.

These are the stuffs I pondered and wondered:

Fuck your God, If it makes you hate people.

Fuck your Atheism, If it makes you hate people.

Fuck your Capitalism if it makes you hate people.

Fuck your Socialism if it makes you hate people.

The formula is here :

Fuck your (insert Idea, Ideal, the unreal things, the novel motif, the shits, etc) if it makes you hate people (‘People’ here serves as an example of the reality. The existence in front of us with their own ethic and moral)

The Ill mannered use of the word ‘Fuck’, is intended to be an active vocal approach towards the reasonings in the formula. But … now I pondered it again. The statement itself seems very awfully hateful. Damn it, can we avoid hate at all?

LOL. I knew it. Trying to erase hate is futile. But please, do not hate my effort.

First thing first, let us review what hate is?  But because I’m a lazy ass, I suggest you just go google them yourself, or here have some of hate quotes I stole from Internet :

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself.  What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.  ~Hermann Hesse

The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less.  ~Eldridge Cleaver

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.

― Elie Wiesel

Most hatred is based on fear, one way or another. Yeah. I wrapped myself in anger, with a dash of hate, and at the bottom of it all was an icy center of pure terror.
― Laurell K. Hamilton

So, what does hate, hatred, serve?

In my opinion, Hate, Hatred, is the main point of connector between [the reasoning] and [the action of inflicting pain] or even [transmitting the disease of hatred] itself.

Ugly reasoning, which may come from idea, emotion, impulse or anything, well, what funny is, that even a non-hateful idea may very well trigger a hate. Example : An Idea that teach people not to become drunk because of its potential damage, may become a trigger of hate when the people who grasped the idea are incapable of controlling themselves. Some may even wreak havoc, destroying people’s liquor business for the sake of  that idea.

More example of the action of inflicting pain, the disease transmitting, the retardation of hatred, I quote from ‘How To Respond To Hate’ of The Chronicle’s article which written by Abdullah Antepli’s : “Just to mention a few: An American soldier named Robert Bales walked into the midst of an Afghan community and in cold blood shot 16 people dead, including nine children and three women, one of whom was pregnant. A 17-year-old black high school student, Trayvon Martin, was tragically shot and killed by a racist in Florida. A terrorist in France killed seven people in a nine-day shooting rampage against paratroopers, two of whom were fellow Muslims, and innocent Jewish schoolchildren. Last, but not least, Shaima AlAwadi, a California resident of Iraqi Muslim background and mother of five children, was beaten to death with an iron bar in her own home. According to the police reports, there was a note left on her body, which read: “Go back to your country, you terrorist.”

Really, reading that makes me really want to shout “Fuck your racism, we are all earthlings! “

I cannot do anything significant to prevent the future retardation of hate and massive damage and fragmentation it may cause. It is an unresistable existence. So, I think we should just guide our hatred. Put it behind the cage.

Here are my imperfect, incomplete, and fragile suggestions for the cage …

  1. Do not Hate! If something disturb you, if there are external factors that bother your internal values and principles and logics and comfort and anything that may give ways to hate rooted as the authority of your act and your main reasoning. You must quickly! Hurry! As soon as possible to work out your mind to intercept the concept of hate with the concept of Indifference. Just ignore, do not hate! Occupy your attention to more important matters at hand. IGNORE.
  2. What about the reasoning? Reasons of hate are incredibly varied, it really depends on the situations and the only thing I can suggest are :
    1. -The best way to improve control of your hatred is to confront your reasoning, understand it, challenge it, modifiy it, prevent it.
    2. -The worst and quickest way is to ignore your reasoning. Mark it as dangerous substances.
    3. -THE FORBIDDEN SHIT IS TOO GIVE UP AND LET YOUR MIND SLAUGHTERED BY YOUR OWN HATRED!
  3. The only hatred you should keep and feed is the Hatred for Hatred itself. Hate the Hate. Enforce your cage of hate, with hate. Prison the fiery demons with their own fire as fuel.
  4. This list is incomplete … sorry 🙂

Nirtangis : Sekilas Sejarah Kelahiran Saya

Ibu saya sering sekali bercerita tentang hal ini. Dengan rasa bangga, yang agak lucu. Yaitu ketika saya lahir, sebagai bayi yang pertama kali mengenal dunia. Yang dengan gagah beraninya lahir tanpa menangis dan pula langsung dapat membuka mata dan mengamati sekelilingnya.

Kerenkan? Langsung melek dan tidak menangis? Hehe. Namun rupanya hal itu malah membuat tim medis ketakutan, hingga, ugh, kata Ibu saya, waktu itu susternya malah sengaja mencubit saya supaya menangis. Kurang ajar!

Well, maklum, ada kepercayaan seperti ini sih : setiap bayi yang lahir pasti menangis, kecuali bayi yang lahir tanpa ruh didalamnya, atau telah meninggal ketika dalam kandungan. Hoho, saya lahir tanpa ruh?! Keren keren keren :D, oh dan juga ehm, kalau tidak salah, ada referensi kepercayaan yang menyebutkan juga bahwa, Hanya Maryam dan anaknya nabi Isa saja, yang lahir dengan tidak disertai tangisan seperti umumnya bayi yang sedang lahir, karena sesungguhnya setiap keturunan Adam katanya tuh ketika dilahirkan pasti dipegang setan. Haha, dan setannya ternyata malah tuh susternya! CMIIW lho ya, komen aja kalo mau mengkoreksi. Bagaimana? Saya sendiri masih mempertanyakan fenomena ini sampai sekarang. Hmmm. Mungkin ada yang mampu memberikan pencerahan bagi saya?

Mungkin dari sejarah kelahiran di atas memiliki dampak terhadap perkembangan psikologi saya, sehingga secara alam bawah sadar, ehm, ada sesuatu yang menuntut saya untuk berperilaku berbeda, mencari celah,  melawan arus, dan super duper gaje?!?!?

LOL

Because crying is too mainstream 😛

And open your eyes, see the world with your intuition and sense, and then think about it while considering the feelings of everyone, including yourself.

Sedikit Rengekan Introvert

Mungkin postingan ini seakan-akan membuat Introvert seperti begitu cengeng dan helpless, tapi sungguh, kami kalah jumlah dibanding Extrovert, dan karenanya merekalah yang dengan mudah mendikte bagaimana seharusnya hidup dijalani, seperti yang tergambar di peraturan-peraturan/norma-norma dalam berbagai budaya yang sangat membuat Introvert menjadi tertekan dan merasa menjadi alien.

Extrovert. Mohon baca. Terimakasih. 🙂