Ruminations On Lost Love: A Calamity and A Miracle

Saya sudah merencanakan, dan menulis sebagian tulisan ini dari akhir September. Tadinya saya hendak menulis berbagai “good reason” sebagai alasan untuk menulis ini. Mulai dari sebagai “memberi pigura pada memori” hingga “litmus test sore-loserness-of-my-mental-state”.

PRET.

In the end, there are always only two shits, the good reason and the real reason. The real reason, the wrenching urgency, for me I realize now, is just simply to unleash these beasts that oppress my mind. Couldn’t let it be, couldn’t let it live any longer, they’ve been taking up so much space in my brain’s Random Access Memory. Haha. Jadi. Silakan membaca. I’ll try not to worry too much about what readers might infer from this piece of shit I’m about to tell. Whatever!

Akhirnya terus tertunda sampai tahun berganti. Nice. What a delay. Tertunda secara sengaja dan tidak sengaja. Menanti diri ini menjadi cukup distant supaya mampu menggambarkan dengan lebih objektif. Susah. Mau ditunggu sampai mampus juga sulit. Dalam rentang waktu sejak awal niat tulisan ini dipikirkan hingga terus tertunda sampai sekarang, terjadi sesuatu dalam diri saya. Dari yang awalnya stabil, perlahan bergerak ke semacam emotional roulette, lalu bergulir menuju stabil lagi. Kalau diilustrasikan dengan kurva, mungkin seperi kurva Law of Diminishing Return. Semoga saja tidak naik turun lagi nanti, jadi seperti kurva sinus dong ya kalau begitu.

Sebelumnya, saya minta maaf kalau-kalau ada yang menyinggung perasaan. Juga mohon maaf kalau misalnya kebelang-belangan bahasa pada tulisan ini mengurangi kenyamanan membaca anda. Kadang, untuk menjaga jarak dengan emosi, menulis dalam bahasa inggris itu cukup membantu lho; sepertinya dulu saya pernah membaca ada riset yang menunjukkan hal ini—respon emosi lebih dekat ke bahasa induk dibanding dengan bahasa lain yang dipelajari setelahnya. Semoga tulisan ini tidak berdampak jelek, semoga cukup jujur dan jelas. Thanks for reading.


KEGERAUAN

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This is true. But when the other one is actually braver. I’d be reduced to a scared little cat. Hissing fearfully. Almost crying. Because it’s too good to be true and there’s a big chance I’m just being played at. I tried so not to give in. I really did.

Awalnya saya berusaha mengabaikan,  mendinginkan diri, dan berusaha tidak tertarik. Bahkan sampai dia pernah bertanya kepada saya, apakah saya homosex atau straight, haha. Kemudian karena merasa sangat cocok dan memiliki banyak keselarasan jalan pikir, saya mulai berani lebih menerima interaksi itu. I think it’s fair to say that we respect, admire, and even “fear” each other, in similar ways. Like a truthful mirror that shows not only the nice things, but also the ugly. Momentum penting yang perlu digaris bawahi adalah ketika pada suatu waktu, percakapan “spekulatif” dengan nada bercanda terjadi: ia bertanya, apakah saya mau menjalani pacaran dengannya, yang waktu itu saya jawab entah.

Dikombinasikan dengan berbagai faktor lainnya sesudah percakapan bercanda itu, saya jadi semakin menderita “kegerauan” yakni galau akibat geer. Kegerauan itu pun lama-lama berubah menjadi bola salju raksasa yang terus menggulung menakutkan. Saya orangnya cenderung berpikir berlebihan terlalu jauh, sehingga karena pikiran-pikiran saja saya sampai jatuh sakit waktu itu. Sungguh mengerikan rasanya, diri saya terasa sangat lemah, pusing, panik, dan tak berdaya melawan akumulasi emosi. Sebelumnya tidak pernah saya sama sekali merasakan perasaan sampai sejauh itu, sampai saya sakit! Makanya saya, dengan enggannya, berani untuk menyebut itu sebagai “cinta”.

Ada kutipan yang cukup mengilustrasikan kondisi saya waktu itu: dari Paulo Coelho in The Zahir: A Novel of Obsession:

“Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.”

Karena waktu itu tanggal sudah dekat menjelang Tes Kompetensi Dasar yang harus saya jalani, saya harus segera sembuh. Maka dengan nekat saya coba tuntaskan segala kegerauan dengan mengungkapkannya dalam sebuah surat.

Ada beberapa pihak yang saya konsultasikan terkait keputusan ini. Salah satu yang cukup berperan besar dalam mendorong saya bergerak adalah pesan dari Kimi. She told me:

“You could push her away and continue to wonder… But would that be a decision you might regret sometime later in life? You could see how it goes. Maybe it will turn into a beautiful whirlwind romance, maybe you’ll get to know each other even more and she won’t like you or you won’t like her, maybe you’ll be together forever, maybe you’ll last a few weeks, months, or years.

“Maybe you’ll break her heart, or maybe she’ll break yours. You can’t predict the future because humans are complex and the universe is in chaos. What you can do, however, is make choices and act on them. But that is entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with.”

And I acted on it. I sent it. Bagaimana responnya terhadap surat saya? Menurutnya, surat saya itu adalah surat cinta terbaik yang pernah ia terima; ia bilang saya sinting dan membuatnya sangat terkejut, tapi malam itu ia juga bilang bahwa ia tidak bisa berhenti tersenyum. Sayapun turut berbahagia.

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Mungkin saya bisa berhenti sampai di situ saja, toh saya sudah cukup lega mengeluarkan isi kepala, tapi insting purba memaksa saya untuk menulis surat tambahan keesokan harinya, surat untuk memintanya jadian. Voila, 20 Agustus 2014, cinta pertama saya diterima, dan tak lama setelah itu segala psychosomatic ailments saya turut sembuh. Thanks a lot. The whole thing was really a surprise and also a miracle for me. Should I thank my ailments or the test or her?

Bisa dibilang memang keputusan saya waktu itu memintanya jadi pacar adalah keputusan yang tidak rasional (ia sendiri bilang begitu) dan terburu-buru. Reckless. Gegabah. Ya, memang. Tapi saya sudah punya beberapa pertimbangan sendiri yang membuat saya berani nekat.

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But.

In the end …


EKSPLORASI DIRI

Pertama-tama waktu itu saya mensyukuri keberanian mengambil risiko mengutarakan perasaan. Saya sendiri tidak pernah menyangka mampu melakukan hal seperti itu. Tak perlu disesali. Tak perlu. Waktu itu juga pertama kalinya otak saya benar-benar mampu memikirkan manusia lain bahkan sampai tubuh jatuh sakit. Sebelumnya, kadang saya merasa aneh karena sering malas memikirkan orang lain sama sekali, bahkan kematian-kematian orang yang dikenalpun, bahkan kerabat, bahkan kematian Kakek saya sendiri terasa hanya sebagai statistik, padahal saya cukup dekat dengannya karena pada saat SD dulu pernah beberapa tahun tinggal di rumah Kakek. Dengan pengalaman ini saya bersyukur dapat mengeksplorasi lebih jauh sisi dalam diri saya yang lebih manusiawi dan umum. Teman sempat berkomentar, syukurlah berarti saya masih cukup normal bisa mengalami derita seperti itu hahaha.

Saat menjalani hubungan, saya juga mulai terus menemukan sisi diri saya yang lain lagi. Saya jadi mampu khawatir pada orang lain; meski mengganggu ketentraman batin, otak ini bersikeras, untuk khawatir tentang kuliahnya, tentang kesehatannya, tentang kebahagiaannya. Ugh, it was goddamn weird, I both disliked and liked it at the same time; saya senang karena bisa mampu merasakan keinginan untuk peduli, namun juga lemas karena saya merasa tak punya cukup kuasa untuk memberikan pengaruh yang berarti. So powerless, so weak, couldn’t do anything significant to help her, because I was and am still just a long streak of nothing.

There’s more. At some point, when she was accused of something bad by her parents, I was crying silently. Saya waktu itu masih dalam perjalanan pulang dari sebuah acara makan-makan bersama tante, masih di dalam mobil, tapi saya tidak sanggup menahan tangis, padahal belum tentu dianya sendiri sampai menangis. What The Hell. Entah, mungkin karena saya juga pernah dituduh hal buruk, atau memang sangat cengeng saja sampai menangis begitu, entah. Yang jelas waktu itu tidak saya ceritakan ke dia kalau saya menangis. It might sounded as a lie and a mere exaggeration; but it actually happened, and I was totally perplexed. Weird huh? Well, uh, fyi, I cried watching an episode of Digimon Adventure when Gabumon evolved to Garurumon because Matt was being tortured by Seadramon.

Juga rasa rindu yang mengerikan. Seakan berjalan menanjak mendorong batu-batu raksasa. Seperti kerasukan. Saya kesulitan bernapas. Saya kira dahulu ungkapan-ungkapan “separuh napas” pada lagu-lagu cinta jijay itu hanya hiperbola, tapi ternyata bukan. Namun, karena demi mengalihkan diri dari derita rindu, saya jadi mulai sedikit hobi berolahraga, yah, contohnya saat saya menghabiskan sisa uang lebaran untuk rutin berenang, setelah uang habis lalu bersepeda, dan bahkan setelah sepeda saya rusak waktu itu, saya putuskan untuk memaksa diri untuk menggunakan kaki saja. Bahkan terkadang saat sedang puasa sunahpun, untuk menenangkan diri, pagi dan sorenya saya berjalan kaki masing-masing dua jam. Lalu ketika jadwal mulai sibuk, saya ubah waktu jalan kakinya ke malam hari (meski belakangan ini jadi semakin susah karena malam sering hujan dan badan sudah terlalu kecapekan setelah pulang kantor). Selain itu, ketika misery dan rindu terkadang tiba-tiba menggulung jadi tsunami setelah putus, saya bahkan sampai mampu berjalan kaki sampai lebih dari 40 km (https://www.endomondo.com/workouts/463235208), yaitu perjalanan pulang-pergi rumah saya di Jatibening hingga sekeliling daerah dekat kantor pusat kemenkkeu di Lapangan Banteng. Because, in the face of exhaustions, the soul stop screaming for her, instead, it asked for food, drink, and rest.

Seperti apa kata Van Gogh, “Love always brings difficulties, that is true, but the good side of it is that it gives energy.”

Selain itu. Saya yang super pemalas ini, juga sempat terpaksa memikirkan hal-hal tidak nyaman terkait tanggung jawab (jika hubungan waktu itu bertahan sampai jauh). Saya selalu, berpikir bahwa apa-apa yang bapak saya lakukan itu repot sekali: mengurus keluarga, membangun rumah, mengurus berbagai surat identitas keluarga, dan bersosialisasi di masyarakat. Ugh, belum kalau tiba-tiba atap bocor, antena terganggu, ac rusak, pompa air rusak, ibu sakit, yak ampun tanggung jawabnya. Saya kalau bisa inginnya sih tidak mau hidup serepot itu, urus diri sendiri aja belum bisa, tapi, tapi, tapi … mungkin, kalau demi orang yang penting bagi diri saya, saya akan mau. Mau. Yeah, but, damn you brain, I was just being too optimistic, thinking too far ahead, kalau di lagunya Muse nih, “hopes and expectations, black holes and revelations,” hahaha. But still, I really enjoyed the thoughts, and so glad I was able to think like that, even if it was just for a moment. I thought I’d never bother with that grown up stuffs; I thought I’d keep myself only to the vision of dying as soon as possible and as lonely as possible in somewhere far away where none of my friends or families could reach me. Well, now I’m considering that direction again. Kalau fantasi saya sih, inginnya mati di puncak gunung yang ada esnya.

Saya yang sebelumnya sangat tidak suka dengan lagu cecintaan umumnya, berubah menjadi lebih toleran, bahkan jadi cukup suka, khususnya kepada lagu-lagu sedihnya. Tak hanya itu, lagu-lagu yang dahulu hanya saya dengar karena suka musiknya saja, kini dapat saya cerna dengan perspektif baru. Rasanya seperti ada sebuah mata yang baru saja terbebas dari kelopaknya.

Dari “people.howstuffworks.com/breakup-song1.htm” saya simpulkan bahwa mendengarkan musik semacam itu memang benar-benar dapat berdampak baik dalam proses meringankan sakit. Oleh karena itu banyak lagu laku di pasaran yang bertemakan hal itu, toh karena memang demandnya tinggi, dan memang berdampak meringankan.

Berikut merupakan sebagian musisi dan lagu-lagu yang cukup berjasa dalam menemani saya, siapa tahu ada yang butuh rekomendasi, silakan. (Oh ya, keep in mind, lagu itu interpretasinya sangat subjektif, mungkin yang bagi orang lain bukan lagu sedih, bagi saya lagu sedih, vice versa):

– The Beatles: I’m A Loser, Yesterday, For No One, I’m Looking Through You, You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away.

– Elvis Presley: A Fool Such As I, Heartbreak Hotel, Hurt, Kentucky Rain, You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me, They Remind Me Too Much Of You, My Baby Left Me, Separate Ways.

– Frank Sinatra: I’ve Got You Under My Skin, What Now My Love, Goodbye (She Quietly Says), Can’t We Be Friends?, Glad To Be Unhappy, One For My Baby (And One More for the Road).

– Coldplay: Warning Sign, The Scientist, Magic, Trouble, True Love, Ink, The Hardest Part, Fix You, In My Place, Swallowed In The Sea, Ghost Story, A Sky Full Of Stars, Oceans.

– Ed Sheeran: Bloodstream, Drunk, Give Me Love, The Man, One, Don’t, Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright (Bob Dylan Cover), Thinking Out Loud.

-Muse: Starlight, Supermassive Black Hole, Time Is Running Out, Falling Away With You, Hysteria, Map Of The Problematique, Big Freeze, Sunburn, Apocalypse Please, Madness.

-The Script: Six Degrees Of Separation, Exit Wounds, If You See Kay, Nothing, Deadman Walking, The Man Who Can’t Be Moved, Glowing, If You Ever Come Back, Broken Arrow, No Words.

– Kumpulan Soundtrack Fallout New Vegas: It’s A Sin, Something’s Gotta Give, Blue Moon, Heartaches By The Number, Where Have You Been All My Life?

– Beberapa lagu lainnya: The National – Sorrow, Roy Orbison – In Dreams, Otis Redding – I’ve Been Loving You Too Long, Bob Dylan – Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright, John Legend – All Of Me, The Carpenters – Goodbye To Love, Crown The Empire – Makeshift Chemistry, Josh Groban – When You Say You Love Me, Phil Collins – Against All Odds, 5 Seconds Of Summer – Amnesia, Emarosa – Live it Love it Lust it, Dir en grey – Glass Skin, dan lain-lain.

Oh ya, selain itu, saya juga jadi terseret arus emosi untuk membuat lagu-lagu gegalauan. Sejauh ini baru jadi dua, Broke My Promise (https://soundcloud.com/smith61/broke-my-promise) dan You Rhyme With Misery (https://soundcloud.com/smith61/you-rhyme-with-misery). Broke My Promise itu tentang gagal menahan diri untuk tidak bersedih-sedih lagi. You Rhyme With Misery itu tentang niat untuk menyabotase perekonomian dan merusak kehidupan bermasyrakat sebagai luapan emosi negatif. Ada satu lagi yang sudah jadi konsepnya di dalam kepala, namun belum sempat dibuat, tunggu saja.

Bersedih-sedih itu memang menyenangkan dan mengasyikkan bukan?

Lirik lagu Frank Sinatra yang ini sepikiran dengan saya:

Unrequited love’s a bore, and I’ve got it pretty bad

But for someone you adore, it’s a pleasure to be sad

Like a straying baby lamb, with no mammy and no pappy

I’m so unhappy, but oh, so glad!

–Frank Sinatra, Glad To Be Unhappy

Intinya, saya banyak belajar mengenal diri sendiri lagi lebih jauh dengan pengalaman ini. Lebih membuka diri pada emosi dan pikiran yang sangat alien bagi saya. Bing, teman saya mengiyakan perubahan ini, katanya, “Sejak lu jadian ma dia, lu jadi lebih peka sama orang lain. Biasanya kalo lu ditanya apa, diajak diskusi, lu jawabannya nyuruh orang lain mikir atau nyari ke google. Jadi lebih terbuka gitu lah dan komunikatif.”

Semoga momentum perubahan itu terus bergerak, tidak berhenti atau berbalik arah. I don’t want to walk away only to find myself turning to something worse.

“Writing does not cause misery. It is born of misery.”

-Michel de Montaigne-

Oh ya, satu lagi contoh hal yang membuat saya merasa bahwa segala ini cukup bermanfaat adalah, saya berhasil lolos menang sayembara suatu kumpulan cerpen untuk pertama kalinya, dan cerpen itu terinspirasi olehnya.

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Yeah, bersyukur sekali saya ini punya hobi menulis, jadi derita ini tidak menjadi hal yang sia-sia, bahkan bisa jadi alat eksplorasi emosi supaya mampu menulis lebih baik.

“Whatever happened to me in my life, happened to me as a writer of plays. I’d fall in love, or fall in lust. And at the height of my passion, I would think, ‘So this is how it feels,’ and I would tie it up in pretty words. I watched my life as if it were happening to someone else. My son died. And I was hurt, but I watched my hurt, and even relished it, a little, for now I could write a real death, a true loss. My heart was broken by my dark lady, and I wept, in my room, alone; but while I wept, somewhere inside I smiled. For I knew I could take my broken heart and place it on the stage of The Globe, and make the pit cry tears of their own.”

― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 10: The Wake


BEING SPARED?

I was spared by her. I could see it as an act of mercy. I could, yeah, I could.

I was released from most of my anxieties, from all the uncontrollable uninvited excessive empathy. Relieved from all obligations I thought I had to follow later on. A lot of speculative weights unburdened from my back. And I could return to my own journey towards anything as ugly as I wanted it to be. It’s not that I don’t care anymore, it’s just, I think she has enough, her family, her friends, and someone whom she said loves her very much. She also spared me from doing some reckless things that I had already planned back then. And by dumping me like that, she gave me the moral high ground, thus, she freed me from any potential guilt if this had ended the other way around. Are these enough reasons for me to accept this separation to just let it go?

At first, yes. Really. I thought it was a good mutual ending. She even gave me a really great and precise logical explanations. As a being who appreciates logic, I applauded her way of thinking and accepted it. I was fine. We were done. In a good way. But my intuition kept telling me that there was something a bit off. And yes. There was actually several things she had hidden. While it’s not a lie, I see it as a sin of omission. What hurt me most is not the things she had hidden from me, but the thing she had hidden from “the other man”. Ugh, it’s already too much details and I’m not gonna tell the rest, but here’s my impression: more or less it was something I could accept as fair, but, unfortunately, in my view, it’s unethical. Like a curse, that little taint alone managed to corrupt the good ending into something far more painful. It makes me feel so small and so meaningless.

The Beatles’ You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away illustrates this existential misery quite properly:

Here I stand, head in hand, turn my face to the wall

If she’s gone I can’t go on, feeling two foot small

Everywhere people stare, each and every day

I can see them laugh at me and I hear them say,

Hey! You’ve got to hide your love away!

Hey! You’ve got to hide your love away!

                                                    

Blame and Introspection

          When I asked her what should I tell my friends if they asked about this separation, she allowed me to blame it on her unstability. But things are far more complicated than that. Me too, got a fair share of mistakes myself. And merely blaming her would makes me feel far smaller, far more meaningless, and totally insignificant passive being.
“What is life’s greatest illusion? Innocence, my brother.”

―Dawnstar Sanctuary Door.

Yes, I was too weak. If I were strong enough, I’d just let things stay cold back then, I’d not let my icy walls melted away, I’d not let myself to write that love letter. But hey! It’s a mistake all people got to make in their lifetime, and I’m glad I made that mistake; I blame it, but I don’t resent it.

There is a bit darker side to that mistake though. Back then, I was interested in politics, it was the time when the presidential election was so popular. In the pursue of my interest, I came upon an interesting book titled, “Thank You For Arguing” written by Jay Heinrichs. It’s a book about rethoric, and by reading it and observing the situation, I understood how Jokowi would triumph through his ethos as a weapon, beating Prabowo along with his logos and pathos. Other than that, I was also very eager to test my rethoric comprehension on writings.

When she came closer to my life, approaching me, and sparked madness in my mind, not only it gave me some psychosomatic ailments, it also gave me the push to apply my rhetoric knowledge into the love letter I wrote. No. No. No. The letter wasn’t filled with lies, it’s an honest letter, I just composed and arranged the words according to some rethoric theories. It served as a silly parameter regarding my rhetoric comprehension; whether I could get her as a girlfriend with my wordcraft or not. And I got her, for a while. Well, while it’s just a fragment of the whole thing, it’s definitely a critical decision moment.

Damn it, Frank Sinatra’s I’ve Got You Under My Skin really really portrays all of this appropriately.

I’ve got you under my skin.

I tried so not to give in.

I’ve said to myself this affair, it never will go so well.

But why should I try to resist when baby, I know damn well,

That I’ve got you under my skin?

I’d sacrifice anything come what might,

For the sake of havin’ you near.

In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night,

And repeats, repeats in my ear,

“Don’t you know you fool, you never can win?”

 “Use your mentality.”

“Wake up to reality.”

But each time I do, just the thought of you makes me stop,

Before I begin, because I’ve got you under my skin.

Sigh. There are a lot of factors that I already knew would made my love beaten to pulp.

One of the biggest factor is: I’m in a “difficult background”. I came from a strict religious family, and even though I never told my family about this, I knew they’d probably against us. Even IF we’re from the same creed, my family would against dating anyway, and the fact that we’re from different creed made it so fucking worse. I already gave her some picture about this bad situation I’m in before I sent her that letter, so when she accepted me, it’s quite logical for me to thought for a while that she’s comitted to fight along with me on that difficult road; and back then I felt really bad about draging her with me.

Considering the obstacles, I thought I had to prepare as if it was a grand political campaign; to make the relationship turns into a vivid argument, a living tool of rethoric, in past, in present, in future, in ethos, in pathos,  in logos, and in kairos, to make the connection fruitful and enhance our growth into far far better individuals (this way, even if our plan thwarted, the effort itself would be enough as a reward; it’s a win-win campaign). I also may use some issues within my family as an extra persuasion tool, for example: my aunt sometimes treated my grandmother like shit, and the fact that my aunt’s relationship with her ex of different creed was not supported back then, might play part in her hostility, this, I could use against my Mom since she’s been constantly warning me not to grow up like my aunt. But then, like I mentioned before, I was spared by her mercy from all the reckless things I might have done to struggle on that difficult path.

I blame myself in this part, I knew all along that doom was almost certain, and I tried to drag her along with me on the account of my selfishness. When she dumped me, she said it’s too risky. Oh, well, I do agreed with her, but still, I was suffocated in a mix of crushing disappointment and awkward reluctant gratitude.

Another great factor of doom is my inherent lack of quality.

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Who am I compared to her exes? Compared to the regiments of gentlemen chasing her? Compared to “the other man”? Nothing but a mere compound of ashes, dusts, sands, and dirts. Though I’m under contract to serve later in Ministry Of Finance, I was essentialy jobless, and moneyless at the time. I also lacked the resources and willpower to actually reach her. I was also a fucking retard in expressing my affection, shy and awkward; clueless, helpless, so so so much less. I could go on and on to tell you readers about my unattractive traits, but that would bore you, so I’d rather stop now. In short, I wasn’t ready for love, I wasn’t ready to love. Goddamn it.

Analogy!

Ada beberapa analogi yang hendak saya sampaikan.

Anda tahu Pokemon? Magikarp?

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Magikarp! Famous for being very unreliable. It can be found swimming in seas, lakes, rivers, and shallow puddles. Whoever its opponent, and however horrible the attack it receives, all it does is Splash around. An underpowered, pathetic Pokemon. It may jump high on rare occassions, but never more than seven feet. Its swimming muscles are weak, so it is easily washed away by currents. In places where water pools, you can see many Magikarp deposited by the flow. It is virtually worthless in terms of both power and speed. It is the most weak and pathetic Pokemon in the world.

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I feel like a Magikarp that once had been captured by a trainer (her) but eventually thrown away. I had high hope that she would trained me, partnered with me, helped me leveling and evolving into a Gyarados. But before that happened, she gave up on me, threw me back into the wild because I was just taking up space she could fill with any Pokemon far cooler and more useful than me. That’s fair. Okay. Now I have to Splash around alone like a damn right weirdo I am, trying pathetically to become a Gyarados by myself though its odd is very small.

Cukup.

Sekarang analogi yang sedikit lebih baik. Pada suatu hari di sebuah pantai.

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Saya sebagai seorang pengunjung pantai biasa saja. Hanya sedang berenang santai di air dangkal. Overweight and definitely tidak bisa berselancar. Namun tiba-tiba saya melihat sebuah ombak yang mulai menggulung. Dan kebetulan ada sebuah papan selancar entah punya siapa menyenggol-nyenggol saya.

Suara gulungan ombak itu menyapa jantung hingga berdebar. Aroma asin laut mendadak jadi begitu tajam hingga lambung bergejolak. Terpesona, otot leher tegang, bulu kuduk berdiri. Mengepalkan tangan. Menggertakan gigi. Dengan gegabah berlari menerjang ombak besar tersebut. Mencoba berselancar dengan papan temuan dan modal nekat. Tentu saja hal itu berujung dengan diri saya terbanting, tergulung, bonyok, dan menenggak begitu banyak air asin yang bercampur darah.

Apa yang sebaiknya dilakukan? Tentu saja segera bangkit lalu berenang kembali ke daratan, jangan berlama-lama terseret arus dan tenggelam! Tapi apa daya, saya ini orang bodoh, entah ada rusak apa di otak ini, masih saja, membatu menikmati basahnya paru, kembungnya lambung, dan membirunya kulit.

Satu analogi lagi.

Sebagai balasan atas panggilan “Ebola”nya kepada saya, saya sering menjulukinya sebagai “Ruh Jahat”.

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Bisa dibilang memang saya menyebutnya ruh jahat karena saya sudah memperkirakan kemungkinannya akan berakhir seperti ini. Bisa dibilang itu sebagai upaya supaya ketika akhirnya terjadi, setidaknya sudah lebih siap sakit, meski tetap sakit. Namun sebenarnya ada sudut pandang yang lebih saya sukai.

Saya, berperan sebagai entah druid, entah shaman, entah necromancer, entah summoner, atau apapun lainnya yang mampu mengkidungkan mantra sihir ke alam. Menjeratnya –-ruh jahat– ke sisi saya. Dan ketika akhirnya berakhir, anggap saja, saat itulah saat saya kehabisan energi sihir. I was out of manna!

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A young apprentice in the way of magic once tried his hands on Necromancy. Trying to spellbind an evil spirit to his side, he sneaked his way to the Forbidden Graveyard somewhere near the Valley of Solemn Thoughts. The binding was a success at first. And it gave him not only joy. But also agony. Because he realized his mana pool was too small, and its rate of regeneration was too inadequate; in short, he knew one day his mana would be depleted and the spirit would soar away from him. But it’s a good experience. He took risks, and he did it in his own way. And he was, grateful.


 

FUTURE?

If you paid attention to this post, you now know that my family didn’t know anything regarding my relationship. I also didn’t have any close friend nearby at arms reach. Thus when the sorrow conquered me, I was helpless, I had to hide from my family when I needed to weep. One thing I could do was spamming my online buddies with my sorrow (thanks guys, and sorry if I was being a nuisance!). One of them that I trusted to talk about this was David McElroy, he’s a writer, and he responded my messages with an article he published on his website. Here is the link: http://www.davidmcelroy.org/?p=20269

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He disguised my name into Josh. There are some excerpts I’d like to highlight here:

“So what do you do? You let yourself cry. You feel the hurt. You grieve with a pain that’s just as bad as losing someone to death. And then you slowly start to heal. Very slowly, in many cases.

[…]

“But at some point, you’ll love again. When that happens, the world will seem bright and shiny and new again. You’ll be happy and joyful again.

“That love might or might not last, so I’m not promising it will be any better. You might be hurt again. But there might very well come a day when love comes and stays, when there’s someone you can trust and love and be happy with.

“I can’t make any guarantees that it will happen. I can only say that it’s worth pursuing.

“Love isn’t rational in any of its forms. It will make you do irrational things at times. But love will change you and give you what your heart most needs. It’s worth pursuing — and going through the hurt.

“Have faith in love. It’s the only thing that makes life worth living.”

Pada 4 Agustus 2014, saya pernah me-reshare sebuah gambar bertuliskan, “If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only two words?” Saat itu, Michael Ferguson, Principal di The Polymathic Institute memberikan saran, “Avoid girls.”

*sigh*

CRAP. I don’t know. I’m not sure what to do anymore. Other than occasional weeping, maybe I’ll try not to do anything. Yes. Untill I’m completely calm, until I could handle the “difficult background” I’m in. I think I’d just try to murder every love away. But really, as I have mentioned before, I was spared from the speculative weights in my over-imaginative mind. But that weight was also the one that forced me to think bigger, harder, riskier, it gave me courage and shit and greater desire to live, so David was right when he said love makes life worth living. But I hope, l really hope it’s not the only thing. Please. Dog. I mean God. Don’t make it the only thing. Oh, maybe I could try hatred. Maybe with hatred I could grasp more desire to live? But maybe no; my life is already filled with enough hatred, and I’m still a dumb slowpoke sloth.

I used to disdain people’s infatuation with love stories. I used to look down on people who’re involved in storm of romances. I thought that they’re so weak that they need other parties to feel great. Now I know the pain of losing, I applauded them all. Salute, for those who never give up on trying to find their best match. It’s so fucking painful, yet, these people are all so brave, risking themselves on the open.

I once read a book about Math. It mentioned a story about Thales of Miletus. Though there’s no hard evidence whether this account is true or not, it’s an amusing read regarding love:

His “fatherhood” of demonstrative  mathematics  notwithstanding, Thales never married. When Solon, a contemporary, asked why, Thales arranged a cruel ruse whereby a messenger brought Solon news of his son’s death. According to Plutarch, Solon then began to beat his head and to do and say all that is usual with men in transports of grief. But Thales took his hand, and, with a smile, said, “These things, Solon, keep me from marriage and rearing children, which are too great for even your constancy to support; however, be not concerned at the report, for it is a fiction.”

Yep. What a cruel prank Thales did just to illustrate the pain of loving.

It seems to me. Love exists (mostly) in a war zone, reserved only for the tough, the strong, the brave. Because it’s more frightening than politics; filled with fallacies, biases, frauds, self-deceptions, and unfortunate timings. It resides in a supermassive black hole where even great minds such as Nietzche fell, and Napoleon maddened!

Fucking scary huh? Weakling like me would get bullets burried within my ass, head separated from my shoulders, fireworks on my intestines, in no time. WORSE, it doesn’t kill! I didn’t die. I survived the meteor shower. But. Well. Hmmm. Maybe I’ll just adhere to Michael Ferguson’s word. *sigh*

It’s worse, because by every sip of air to these charred lungs, I feel obligated to learn, to thrive, to march onward, but I know it’s tiring, I don’t want to be tired, shit, I don’t know shit, it’s so primal, framed structured madness, automatic chaotic intentions, whatever ever been so keen of fever. Goddamn it. Stop. Brain. Stop.

Good.

Okay. One other thing I’d like to say is my disappointment towards my way of thinking. As you read along and as I re-read this piece whole patches of abomination over and over, I conclude that I’m such a fool. I rely on external forces such as “the difficult path” and the presence of “love” from other person to grow. Why? Why didn’t I just want to grow just for myself? Why am I too easily pleased with what I have now? Why am I living too small? Bloody hell. It’s a thing I have to work on. I’m lacking passion. I’m lacking fire to pursue big things. I aim too low. I don’t want to stand up for anything. I don’t want to stand up for myself. As if I just want to lay down, drowned in my own piss, burried and choked by my own feces, smiling.

Fuck it. Despite writing this much bullcrap. I’m still clueless in the end. All I know is, there are wrong things ahead of me, and probably there’s no such thing as ready. Fight it.

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Logika di balik doa?

Sejak kecil. Lingkungan yang religius terus memberikan dorongan dan tekanan untuk berdoa. Ada doa-doa yang memang dianjurkan bahkan nyaris seperti diwajibkan oleh ajaran agama, namun ada juga doa-doa yang berasal dari inisiatif individu.

 

Oke, saya anggap pembaca, sudah cukup memahami apa itu doa. Maka saya akan langsung saja ke topik. Logika di balik doa.

 

Begini lho. Kalau kita menginginkan sesuatu, kenapa kita malah mengangkat tangan dan meminta-minta, berbicara kepada sesuatu yang tidak kelihatan, yang belum jelas dalam batasan indera manusia? Bukannya segera bergegas dan melakukan sesuatu? Logikanya di mana?

Dalam kasus doa-doa dari inisiatf, yang biasanya dari keinginan pribadi : Kepingin naik kelas bukannya belajar malah berdoa? Kepingin beli motor baru bukannya kerja malah berdoa? Kepingin anaknya jadi orang pinter dan sukses bukannya dididik malah didoain? Ehm, jika dijumlah itu seluruh waktu-waktu berdoa, mungkin jika ditukar dengan usaha nyata dan praktik langsung malah akan memberi dampak lebih nyata. Mungkin lho 😛

Dalam kasus doa-doa anjuran agama, yang biasanya terkait dengan sifat-sifat keperkasaan tuhan :

Doa sebelum makan? Doa sebelum tidur? Doa sebelum masuk kamar mandi? Doa melakukan perjalanan? Doa kepada orang tua? Kalo dilihat tujuannya, doa-doa ini cenderung menuntut perlindungan/kelancaran/kebaikan-kebaikan, dengan mengangkat tangan dan berbicara menghadap tembok? Lucu 😛

 

Jangan marah~

Jangan doa-in saya yang jelek-jelek~

 

Ada logikanya sih menurut saya, biarpun agak maksa. Jadi gini, dengan berdoa, apalagi, ehm, doa yang rutin dan benar-benar tulus, serta gigih, menurut saya, akan menumbuhkan rasa percaya diri akan harapan itu, minimal … akan memberi sugesti positif deh, yang saya percaya dari sugesti itu akan menambahkan energi untuk berbuat sesuatu. Yah tergantung individunya sih.

Saya sendiri suka berdoa. Dan bagi saya, salah satu logika lainnya dari doa adalah, ehm, sebagai salah satu alat untuk mengingatkan diri sendiri pada apa tujuan saya? apa cita-cita saya? Juga untuk tetap membangun rasa percaya diri dan keteguhan menempuh jalan berkabut di depan, juga berharap kepada sosok tuhan yang begitu misterius dan unyu ❤

 

Sekian, kalau ada yang mau ditambahin dari logika maksa dari doa itu, silahkan komen, mau mencaci juga gak apa, love you all!!!