I get it. Now let me try to examine it further; there’s a big chance that either my observations or my conclusions are wrong. So, if you want to help also, that would be great. This is it:
1. The Problem:
There are great dabblers, and there are foolish dabblers. Myself, unfortunately, is included in the foolish kind of dabblers. Some great dabblers are not merely novelty seeking, they actually acquired relatively competent skills. These are the ones we can call “Jack of all trade”; while I’m merely a “JOKE of all trade” that I myself laugh at.
2. The Cause:
It’s been a tiny dull pain at the back of my mind for quite a while. But turned vivid enough this afternoon. I was bored at the office, so I browsed some kind of web developer introduction materials. The site led me to a post [https://goo.gl/eOx6TH] that illustrated the phase of difficulties in code learning.
Take a look at the chart I stole from the post. See the “hand-holding honeymoon” phase? It’s where the foolish dabblers –including me– give up. Example, I tried to learn X, Y, and Z kinds of stuff; they’re cool and I felt great, because there are many easy beginner resources to consume and to delude myself that I was knowledgeable about it, then, before I even get to the “cliff of confusion” phase, I stopped, only to switch into another beginner’s “hand-holding honeymoon” phase. This leads to a very tiny amount of competence acquisitions, that, of course, would soon dwindle; dried empty before they even turned into any useful or applicable skills. A waste of time and resources. But then, the mind is a selfish lawyer, it would, of course, provide several justifications including:
a. Because time and resources are limited, I need to evaluate first, whether such things I tried to learn is worthy of pursuit or not.
b. I don’t need mastery over these skills. I merely seek transcendental patterns.
c. They’re just for recreation. Never meant to be a precious thing. Only as worth as much as foods or beverages or vacations.
d. Etc, etc, etc, the selfish soft stuff behind the skull just keep on yapping!
To address these perverse justifications, one need to see the fog-covered-truth at what really happened in their own fucking brain. In my case, it was really awful. A shameful attempt at vanity to pretend that I’m a “learner”, that I get kicks from “learning”; while it’s not entirely false, the greater part of it is obviously social signalling. I did not really evaluate the skills I failed into worthy or not worthy, in truth, I’d really love to be good at them, and while I also want to catch any possible transcendental patterns, I also want to master them, hence they’re precious and not only for recreations, yet, despite this, the foolish pleasure at every beginning phase of learning, pushed me to overlook, to abandon them in one fell swoop.
Let’s take a look again at the chart. I suspect, that there are people who can and who cannot sense and prepare when the “cliff of confusion” would begin. I couldn’t, I can’t, hence the overwhelming fear of facing the truth of my incompetence that leads to early resignation.
It’s not that before I read the post I didn’t know that learning is hard. It’s just, uh, I was and still am too good at ignoring the obvious logic of the problem. The post helped it getting more vivid. And I think it still should be more more more vivid, umm, like a thunderous slap at the cheeks of my butt. But, hehe, that wouldn’t work as effective as it should be to a mental flagellant like me.
3. The Conclusion
It’s one thing to state the problem and another thing to solve them. Fuck. I’m not sure what to write. Let’s see, to make things practical and applicable, I tried to “reserve” a year dedicated to one thing. I abandoned an environment to remove potential distractions; I practically put myself into some kind of exile. BUT I FUCKING FAILED. Which is why I prolonged that one year into two. I FAILED AGAIN. I’d love to just conclude that I can’t, but I won’t.
There is a chance (which I hope is not the truth) that I don’t really get kicks from learning. And perhaps, I get kicks not only from every beginner’s thrill but also from the image I constructed from multiple failings, since “failure is the road to success” is a concept that often thrown around.
There are genuine failures from trying the best and there are meaningless failures from early self-sabotages. These meaningless failures are like pretending to quit at the edge of “dessert of despair” phase when you actually quit only when you’re still at the “hand-holding honeymoon” phase. What a dumbfuck coward; keep moving forward to reach the true despair!
Meh, enough of this useless thoughts. I want to get back into playing Darkest Dungeon and watch my heroes suffer from afflictions.